Love Child
by LisaDouglas
Summary: Never met to be.
1. An Olive Branch

Chapter One- An Olive Branch

October 1969

"Oooo-l-i-v-i-a…" Olivia Martin looked down at the page in front of her, scrutinizing the letters she'd spelled out very carefully with a bright green colored crayon.

"Time far bed angel." Jude smiled, leaning her head against her daughter's bedroom door as she wiped her hands on a dishtowel from the kitchen.

"Mommy look, look I did it!"

"What'd ya do Livie? Let me see." She said, reaching for the paper with one hand as she pulled back Olivia's covers with the other.

"I wroted my name, see, like Mary Eunice taught me! Look Mommy! I can spell now!" Olivia squealed as she climbed into bed.

Jude tucked her in and then sat on the side of the bed, beginning to look down at the work her daughter had done.

"It's perfect sweetheart. I'm proud of ya, I'll hang it on the fridge." Jude leaned over and kissed her forehead. "Good night baby."

"Night, ni- Mama… Mommy?"

"Yes."

"I want a story."

"No, no it's a little late, remember I let ya stay up so you could color for a little bit, but tomorrow ya can have as many stories as ya want."

"Pleeeeese!" She squealed, Jude sighed.

"Alright, but a short one Livie."

"Why is Olivia my name?!"

"Um." Jude smiled. "Now that is a good question. Ya remember in Sunday school when we talked about olive branches, they mean peace."

"Hey that sounds like Olivia!"

"Yes my angel it does." Jude smiled back, rubbing her nose against her daughter's, causing her to giggle. "Olivia means peace of the olive tree or branch, and it brings fruitfulness, so good things, and beauty." She beamed, cupping her little girl's cheek in her hand. "And dignity, so…respect." Jude tried to convey the terms in words that she thought her five-year-old might understand. "I wanted yar little name ta mean all of those things."

"Those are good things." Olivia smiled, considering this very carefully, most of the meaning in her name lost on the little girl, but its purpose was renewed in her Mother's mind.

"They're lovely things." Jude giggled. "Now it's really time far bed Olivia," Jude kissed her daughter's cheek and switched to the other, going back and forth with each word, "peace, beauty, dignity."

Olivia giggled wildly and Jude smiled, kissing her daughter's forehead one last time before getting up and crossing the room. She turned off the light, ready to close the door.

"Mommy." Olivia interrupted. "Why don't I have a Daddy?"

Jude paused. She put her head down, clutching the edge of the doorway, trying to gather her strength. She turned the light back on and took an audible breath before turning back to her little girl.

"Not everybody has a Daddy honey." Jude said, sitting on her daughter's bed again. "Mommy didn't."

"Nuh-uh Mommy! Everybody has one. Ya need a Daddy ta have a baby." She whispered as if she were telling her Mother a secret she wouldn't know. Jude smiled in spite of her sadness.

"Sometimes honey, things happen between Mommies and Daddies." Jude said slowly. "And they can't be tagether anymore angel. And that happened between me and yar Daddy. He went off far his job."

Olivia pouted and the sad look on her face made Jude's heart sink. Olivia put her head down, wanting to ask why she didn't make some difference to him or to them collectively. Her tummy began to hurt. Jude grabbed her chin and kissed her cheek, tucking her in again.

"Don't worry about anything angel. Yar Mommy loves ya more than anything in the whole world and more than enough far all the Mommies and two Daddies in the whole entire world." Jude kissed her girl again and quickly walked back to the door, turning off the light.

"Good night Mommy." Olivia said sadly.

"Good night my little baby."

Jude sighed, placing her hand on her chest as she shut the door, her heart ached.

"Everything alright Jude?" Mary Eunice inquired from her place on the couch where she sat studying, her school and art books strewn across the coffee table haphazardly.

"Livie asked about her Daddy." Jude looked down.

"Oh…Jude…" Mary said quietly, not really knowing what to say. She took off her glasses, placing them back on one of her books and looked back up at her friend. "Jude I…"

"I don't know what I'm supposed ta say." Jude began, placing her face in her hands, slowly sinking onto the couch next to Mary Eunice. Mary watched Jude as she sat there. She reached over to comfort her and began to rub circles in her back. "She's only just turned five, I thought I had more time far this, befare she'd ask me..."

"It's not your fault you know." Mary consoled.

"I know." Jude whispered. "And if it hadn't happened, I wouldn't have been in the position ta help ya when ya needed me most…when we left Briarcliff together."

"Do you want me to cancel my date tomorrow night so we can…"

"No, no, go out have fun." Jude sniffled, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand as she stood up and crossed the room.

"Are you sure?" Mary asked anxiously.

"Yes Mary, yar only young once. Go and have fun." Jude continued toward her bedroom without another word.

"Good night Jude." Mary said sadly as Jude simply shut her door.

Mary sighed, also feeling sad about this entire thing. In addition for her sorrow for her friend, it took her mind back to a horrible time in her life she didn't want to think very much about. Jude crawled into her bed, collapsing into the sheets like a rock falling on the ground: she felt almost dead inside. She knew, of course, that her little girl would ask about her Father one day, but she hadn't been prepared to hear the question so soon, when the child was too young to understand and the wounds were still fresh.

Jude closed her eyes, sniffling as she turned over in bed and buried her face in her pillow. It was then that she realized she was crying. Jude scolded herself for her tears and dried her eyes again, trying to wipe away any shred of evidence that she'd been upset.

"No, no, ya've got ta be strong." She whispered to herself, settling into her pillows. "Don't let him bring ya anymore pain Jude."

Jude closed her eyes tightly but the listlessness of impending sleep would not come. Finally she succumbed to what seemed like endless awakeness, opening her eyes and allowing them to begin to focus as she stared into her pitch-black bedroom. Jude lye there alone in the dark with her thoughts and her demons, she could almost see them dance around her bed, tumbling around in the depth of the night…it wasn't until that moment that Jude realized she wasn't hurt for herself, but for her little girl. This time, he would crush her all over again, not because of what she'd lost, but because he would crush Olivia.

Peace. Fruitfulness. Beauty. And Dignity. Olivia Faith Martin certainly was the embodiment of all of those very good things. The little girl didn't deserve to be crushed, or hurt or thrown out like a piece of trash by someone who didn't want her and wasn't good enough for her anyway. Jude smiled to herself for the first time since she'd gone to bed. She was so proud to be Olivia's Mother. The little girl was everything she could ever hope for in a child. It brought great joy to look into her little brown eyes and sweet face everyday and clearly see the man who'd Fathered her. Sometimes, Jude didn't think she was sure of anything anymore. But if there was one thing in her life she could count on to make her happy, it was that Timothy Howard would never know the joy of being Olivia's Father.

….

"Mary Eunice, why do ya live with Mommy and me?" Olivia asked.

It was early, and the leaves hit the ground gently, seeming to authenticate the brisk fall morning. The sun was barely up but it was still an hour after Jude left for work. Mary Eunice was walking Olivia to school, as she did every morning. Olivia tiptoed along the edge of a little brick wall cautiously placing one Mary Jane clad foot in front of the other, her arms spread out at her sides as if she were flying. Mary was kind of nervous about her walking on the wall. The little girl was clearly trying hard to maintain her balance and she looked as if she were going to fall. Jude would kill her if she fell.

"Because Mommy and I are good friends, in fact she was almost like my Mommy before you were born, and she and I needed a new place to live at the same time." Olivia already knew this but Mary decided to explain it again.

"Around the time I was gonna be born."

"Around the time you were going to be born." Mary said, lifting her off the brick wall and putting her back on the ground.

Mary Eunice wondered why Olivia was asking all of these questions. She and Jude had lived together, raising Olivia since before the girl was born and she'd never known anything different than that life. The three made an untraditional, but happy family. Jude was the Mother, Olivia was the child, and Mary's role fell somewhere haphazardly between big sister, daughter, friend and nanny. Olivia had no idea how this piecemeal family came to be, or that her Mother and adopted older sister had once been Nuns.

"And Mommy decided I needed a big sister?" Olivia smiled up hopefully. She took Mary's hand as they stopped at the crosswalk.

"And she decided you needed a big sister." Mary giggled. She had had many sisters growing up, but if she had to pick a favorite, it was by far, Olivia.

"I want ya ta go to my school." The kindergartener said randomly. "That would be really fun!"

"It would, but I don't think they let adults go to kindergarten." Mary smiled.

"Well then can I come ta yars?!"

"No Livie." Mary laughed. "College is big people school sweetheart."

"Oh…"

By now they'd crossed their last street and were walking onto the school's grounds. They were no longer alone. The place was noisy and flooded with parents and hoards of children running everywhere, trying to get out their last little bursts of energy before they were confined indoors for a whole school day.

"Okay, good bye Livie. I'll pick you up at the end of the day, okay?" Mary said, adjusting the little girl's navy beret and kissing her cheek.

"Okay Mary. I lub you." She walked up a couple of the school's steps then turned back to Mary, almost eye level with her.

"I love you too."

"Whose that, is that your Mommy and Daddy?" Another little girl asked.

Kate was a girl who had been playing with Olivia at recess for several days. She'd just been dropped off too and came and stood beside Olivia on the school steps. The two little girls watched as Mary ran across the street and took the arm of a handsome, dark-haired young man who'd been standing there waiting for her.

"No." Olivia sighed. "That's my big sister and her boyfriend. They go to college."

"Oh…what about your Daddy, my Daddy brings me ta school."

Olivia paused. These questions about her Father were new and she'd been getting them for several days, since she'd started kindergarten

"Oh." She said quietly, deciding to say what she always said. "I don't have one."

"Why not, what happened to him?"

"I don't know." Olivia said, she'd never thought of this before and the idea would stick with her for the rest of the day.

"How are you this morning? I brought you coffee." Mary's boyfriend, Mark asked, kissing her cheek, causing her to smile brightly.

"Thank you Mark." She squeezed his hand, taking the coffee he'd brought with her free one. "I'm so glad you're willing to meet me at the school everyday after I drop of Livie, it's so sweet. I know, it's stupid, I'm afraid to walk alone."

"I don't mind going to the school, before and after, she's a great kid! And as for you, it's not stupid honey, not after what happened to you." He let go of her hand and wrapped his arm around her, pulling her in tight to him.

"I'm so happy you're so understanding. I'm lucky to have met you." She beamed.

"Anything for you Mary, anything for you." Mark laughed, kissing her forehead.

Mary sighed. She hadn't felt totally safe in years, not until she met Mark. He'd changed her world. Life was so different now than it had been when she was a Nun, and of course, than in had been the last few years…this relationship was something she never could've imagined. Both of them were Art and English majors and had met in a Poetry class. Mark was funny, sweet like Mary, and loved Jude and Olivia too. But now Mary wondered if perhaps her boyfriend's presence was triggering questions in little Livie's mind about why there was no man in her Mother's life.

…

Jude boarded the bus earlier than usual that morning, still bothered by her little girl's comments from the night before. She closed her eyes as she sat in her usual seat, trying to put the child's upsetting quandaries out of her mind so she could have a pleasant workday. Jude had a good job as the head secretary in a legal office and made a decent living, one that enabled her to support all three of them and even help Mary Eunice with college a little bit.

It was the kind of job she could've only dreamed of before she became a Nun. She'd left Briarcliff desperate, pregnant and fearful that she wouldn't find work that she, Mary and the baby would struggle to survive. To her surprise, her time as head administrator of Briarcliff was impressive to employers and turned out to be the key to a better life for her and the girls. Jude leaned her head back against the seat, letting out a deep breath as the bus took off down the road, her eyes still closed.

"Are you alright today?" Came a kind, questioning voice that caused Jude to jump.

"Oh, Andrew it's just you!" She laughed, catching her breath.

Andrew was an acquaintance of Jude's who she knew from riding this particular bus. The two had been friendly for several years, almost as long as Jude had had this job. They were the kind of friends who knew a lot about each other, save very personal details. For example, they knew each other's habits as passengers of this bus. If one wasn't there for many days, the other would become concerned. Often, one would save a seat for the other. Jude knew that he was in finance and from London. He knew she had a daughter. And yet they did not even know each other's last names.

Jude enjoyed her daily time with Andrew because it was a purely fun, unattached relationship devoid of complication, responsibility and thank the Lord, the possibility of romantic entanglement. The two would laugh, joke, talk about life and go their separate ways. It was just what she realized she had always needed. He was a comforting presence for her. Something about him was mysteriously familiar to her and she'd never been able to figure out what it was even after all this time. Best of all, she had always felt, as though he was watching out for her somehow. They'd first met, one sweltering June afternoon, a few months after she got her job. At the time, she'd been very pregnant with Olivia and on the hottest days of the summer, he would always give up his seat for her on the bus and make sure she got back to her apartment building safely.

"Yes it's just me." He laughed. "Are you sure you're alright Jude, you look rather down in the mouth." He pointed out. Jude smiled, looking over his shoulder as he continued to peruse his paper, only half paying attention to her.

"The financial section no doubt?" She inquired. "Let's see industrials are…"

"Of course Jude, it's my business and my life! Really though, you seem quite glum today, almost disparaged. What's the matter?"

"Oh it's nothing, it's just somethin' my little girl asked me last night."

"What is she now, seven, eight?" Andrew was a kind but somewhat inattentive businessman.

"No." She laughed. "It hasn't been that long, she's only five."

"Five? My how they grow up quickly!"

"She's five and I don't know…I guess that's the problem with what she asked me, it is amazing how quickly they grow up. "

"Parenthood sounds rather complex…I'm so thankful my children are stocks and bonds and numbers…" He smiled, beginning to fold up his paper.

"Oh are ya?" Jude asked, her disappointment in this statement coming off very clearly. "I knew someone who thought that once. That a job met more than family or love or…"

"Of course it doesn't!" Andrew laughed. "People mean most. And children are the most important people." Jude sighed, happy to hear this from her friend. "It's why I take public transit, and always eat lunch out…because people mean a lot to me."

"Me too." She smiled.

"Anyway, I'll see you in a few hours, have a good day Jude." He smiled, getting up when the bus stopped.

"Bye Andrew."

It was simple, almost indirect conversation, but somehow, Andrew never ceased to make Jude feel better about anything and everything she'd ever discussed with him. He made her look on the bright side of things, and to her that was true friendship.

….

"Alright, bed time Livie." Jude smiled, coming into her daughter's room just as she had the night before. Tonight it was raining outside. Olivia liked the rain and had been sitting with her doll looking out the window at the street below.

"But Mommy you said that tonight could be story night, it's Friday!" In just a few short weeks of schooling, Olivia had already learned that Fridays were the most important days of the week.

"Yes, that's right." Jude admitted, beginning to close the curtain. "It is Friday and like Mommy promised ya, it's story night."

"Yay!" Olivia squealed, climbing hurriedly into her bed before she was even asked. Jude laughed and sat down on the edge next to her.

"Alright, what would ya like ta hear about?"

"Mommy, why are Mary and Mark giggling?" She asked.

Jude paused she could hear Mary and Mark laughing on the couch. She wasn't sure what they were up to but she thought they'd been making out. Jude felt that the relationship was very good for Mary Eunice, and she didn't care what they did in the house as long as Olivia didn't see too much. The two were very careful about that.

"You're precocious, ya know that?" Jude smiled.

"What's that mean?" She asked.

"It means yar a little girl who asks big questions."

"Oh!" She smiled, proud of the new term used to describe her.

"Anyway, what do ya wanna hear about?" Jude asked.

"Mommy…what happened ta my Daddy?" Jude sighed, frustrated but not at all surprised that she'd brought this up again. Jude supposed she could now recall asking her own Mother equally painful questions about her Father's whereabouts and intentions at precisely the same age.

"Sweetheart, we talked about this last night, I told ya…"

"You told me why he went, kinda but not where….Mommy did he leave me cause he didn't like me enough?" That was probably the girl's biggest fear.

"No, no honey it's nothin' like that." Actually it was in a way. Timothy had not wanted a child.

"Please tell me about him, please…" She practically begged.

"Alright."

Jude sighed, figuring she deserved to know something of the man who'd been half the reason she'd come into the world. Jude quickly decided on telling her a few innocuous points about her Father.

"He was a man Mommy loved far a very long time, ya have his eyes." Olivia smiled at this. "And his hair…but Mommy's smile." Jude smiled at this thought, loving that she got to look at her own smile on the little girl instead of his.

Olivia was merely excited to know she had her Father's eye and hair color, the brunette little girl had long wondered why she wasn't blonde like Mommy and Mary Eunice.

"What does he do? My friend Kate's Daddy works in a hospital."

"That we can't talk about angel." Jude said.

"But Mommy ya said that's why he left."

"I did and we can't talk about it Livie, ask me somethin' else."

Olivia pouted. Jude had decided to wait until she was a teenager to tell her about how she and Mary Eunice had been Nuns, and that her Father was a Priest, well, a Cardinal now…it was just not something a little girl could fathom, especially one who'd just started kindergarten at a Catholic school. And more so, it wasn't a secret a little girl should have to live with keeping: it was a burden Jude didn't want to give her. Little Olivia already had so many burdens and she just didn't know it yet.

"How about we talk about something other than yar Daddy."

"No, I want to know more Mommy." She said, jumping as thunder stuck outside. "Where did ya meet him?" She persisted.

Jude reached over and turned off the light on her daughter's little nightstand. She sighed, crawling in bed with the girl and laying down, opening her arms for her to snuggle into her embrace. Olivia gladly did so.

"Yar sleepin' here Mommy?" She asked excitedly, burying her face in her Mother's chest.

"Yes." She said.

"Why?"

"Because I wanna be close to ya." She said.

In reality, the girl's questioning about her Father made her Mother sad and lonely in a way she often tried to pretend she wasn't. Even after five and a half years without him, Jude still missed Timothy and lamented the way that things had ended between them. Jude didn't want to speak of him anymore that night and so instead of talking she lye there in the dark, quietly rocking her little girl. Jude hummed a soft lullaby to Olivia that quickly got the talkative little girl sleepy.

"Ya know why I named ya Olivia, really?" She asked as Olivia's eyes closed. "Because part of yar name means olive branch, or peace, and that's exactly what yar Daddy and I needed: an olive branch."

Jude kissed her little girl, hugging her tight once she'd finally fallen asleep. She sniffled allowing her tears to flow freely onto her sleeping child, and lye there closing her eyes once again, happy to not be alone tonight and to have Olivia in her arms.

"I love ya Olivia Martin, more than the whole world. And at one time, I loved yar Daddy too."


	2. Love Child

Chapter 2- Love Child

November 1963

"Timothy we should stop." Jude gasped, clutching the fabric of his jacket as he nibbled on her neck, his soft fingers roughly pulling back the headdress portion of her habit, releasing her long blonde hair and allowing it to fall gracefully upon her shoulders.

"No, no Jude we must never ever stop." He said redirecting his lips from her neck to her mouth, kissing her greedily as he pressed her against the cold stonewall.

They were in her office and the door was open askew, it was a risky position, and one of Timothy's favorite kinds. Jude couldn't help but throw her arms around his neck as he deepened their embrace, even in such a compromised state; it was hard for her to resist him. It always was. She pulled away and took a breath when she heard his pants zipper.

"No Timothy not here, not right now we'll get caught." She pled; knowing her no's never really met much to him anyway.

"Isn't that part of the fun, Jude?" He laughed.

"Timothy, please wait until after our dinner, tonight, okay?"

Jude watched him as he paused for a moment, a smile slowly spreading across his face has he reached up and took her cheeks in his hands.

"Timothy?" She questioned.

"You are so beautiful my rare bird." He leaned his forehead against hers, smiling still.

"Timothy…" She cautioned. She understood even before this, that he was trying to woo her.

"My Jude, I want you by my side forever and ever, you know that?"

"Yes I…" Jude stopped as Timothy began to kiss her once again. Within seconds, she dropped her protest and was lost in the kiss. She closed her eyes, enjoying the feel of his body pressing hers tightly to the wall, listening to the sound of the rain trickling outside.

….

October 1969

It was raining heavily when Olivia woke the next morning. She sat up and rubbed her tiny brown eyes, the aroma of freshly baked cookies traveling to her nose as she yawned. Olivia got up quickly; excited by the idea that her Mom was making cookies. She passed Mary Eunice's bedroom along the way, noting that she was still asleep. Olivia didn't understand why she slept in so late on Saturday mornings. She, for one, liked to be up early so she wouldn't miss anything about the day: like freshly baked cookies for example.

Olivia could hear the radio grow increasingly louder as she tiptoed toward the kitchen. She pushed the door open, peaking inside slightly, expecting to find her Mother singing along with the radio as she nearly always did when she was alone. Instead, Jude stood almost perfectly still, seeming to stare out the window at the falling rain. Five-year-old Olivia paid no mind to the obvious change in her Mother's demeanor and announced herself cheerily anyway.

"Hi Mommy!" She squealed, suppressing a yawn as she burst through the swinging kitchen door.

"Oh…" Jude stopped, she'd been baking and listening to the radio, but she'd gotten lost in her thoughts and her memories of Timothy. "Hi Livie." Her expression softened significantly as she turned to her daughter. "Would ya like some milk, the cookies are almost ready."

"Yes please Mommy!"

Jude leaned down and kissed Olivia on the forehead twice as she poured her, her milk. Olivia was very thirsty and began to drink right away. Jude took a step back observing her daughter, noticing how very little she still was. Her feet dangled far above the floor and she had to hold the glass with both hands to keep from spilling.

Jude smiled in spite of renewed hurt about Timothy, as she turned back to the cookies, pulling them out of the oven. Looking at her beautiful five-year-old daughter made her realize she'd done extraordinarily well with what she'd been given. Olivia continued to sip her big glass of milk as another song came on the radio. Jude was unfamiliar with this one but knew immediately that it was The Supremes, a group she liked, and within seconds she found herself humming along to the unfamiliar tune, disregarding the first few lines of the song.

"_You think that I don't feel love. But what I feel for you is real love. In other's eyes I see reflected, a hurt, scorned, rejected love child, never meant to be, love child, born in poverty, love…."_

Jude moved in and swiftly turned off the radio, all of the pain and doubt she'd been feeling before Olivia came in the room, rushing back to her very quickly like a tidal wave overtaking her.

"Mommy what's that mean?" "What…" Jude hesitated, she'd been taken away by her thoughts again and

when she came back to reality she found she was shocked and horrified to have her daughter ask such a question.

"Love child." Olivia asked.

Jude's heart sunk and her brief moment of hopefulness all but disappeared when she heard these words come off her child's precious little lips.

"Hush, don't ya repeat that Livie."

"Why, it was in the song!"

"Cause it means somethin' not so nice, alright?"

"Mommy?" Olivia asked, slurping her milk.

"Yes honey."

"Mommy why don't ya have a boy?"

"A boy?" Jude laughed.

"Yeah like Mary."

"Oh honey ya mean a _boyfriend_!"

"Uh-huh. Was my Daddy yar boyfriend?"

"Yes, yes honey he was."

Olivia paused for a moment not even having realized what she'd asked at first.

"Mommy I thought Daddies were supposed ta be husband's." She offered.

Jude sighed, putting a plate of cookies on the kitchen table and then taking a seat next to Olivia.

"Here baby, why don't ya sit with Mommy far a minute, alright?"

Olivia was a little anxious now, it was obvious to her that her Mother was going to begin explaining something she might not want to hear but she climbed onto her lap anyway. Jude put her arms around Olivia and reached around for the plate of cookies. She took one, broke it in half and gave a piece to Olivia who gladly accepted, laying her head back against her Mother's chest as she began to munch.

"Olivia ya know yar my whole little world, right?" She asked, kissing her cheek, feeling Olivia nod against her face.

"Um hum." She smiled as she ate. "Yar my world too Mommy."

"Thank ya sweetheart." Jude took a deep breath as she lye her cheek sideways on top of her daughter's head, the girl's love for her giving her enough strength to go on and try to explain.

"In answer to yar question yes, yar Daddy was my boyfriend, far almost four years."

Olivia swallowed, feeling her angst drop to the pit of her stomach, the realization that her parents weren't married hitting her suddenly. Being five, she didn't know exactly what this met, but she knew it was important and it made her feel bad.

"Did he love you?" She thought Mommies and Daddies were supposed to love each other, surely, in Olivia's mind, if she'd been born, they'd loved each other.

"We were in love, yes honey. Both of us." It was heart wrenching to have to say it. As much as they'd been through now, she still missed him.

"What did he think of me?"

Jude froze when Olivia said this, having no idea how to reply and the little girl picked up on her Mother's silence.

"He didn't love me, right Mommy?"

It made sense even to little Olivia. They'd stopped being boyfriend and girlfriend around the time she was born, it seemed and that must have met her Father hadn't wanted her.

"No, no honey it wasn't because of ya." Jude lied. "It was because of some differences that he and I had, alright? Never ever because of Olivia. Olivia's my brave little one who can do no wrong."

Olivia heard her Mother sniffle and turned around in her lap to face her, cookie still in hand.

"Don't be sad Mommy." Olivia didn't understand exactly what had transpired between her parents. She was upset too and she hated even more to see her Mom sad. She placed her arms around her Mother's neck and kissed her nose.

"I'm not sad, I have ya, baby." Jude said, leaning her forehead against Olivia's.

"I have you too Mommy!" Jude giggled, holding her daughter tightly as she began to rock her. Jude kissed her again as the girl continued to munch on her cookie.

"Morning." Mary Eunice groaned. She was obviously exhausted, her hair strewn about her face as she stumbled into the kitchen, wearing her blue and green plaid pajamas. Jude and Olivia turned to look at her and Jude immediately began to laugh. Mary sat at the table with them and crossed her arms, laying her face on the table.

"Mommy look, sissy is sleepy!"

"Yes Olivia, yar big sister is sleepy. Stay up late sweetheart?" Jude asked Mary.

"Yes." Mary confessed, mumbling into the table.

"That's okay honey; how about some cookies, I think they'll wake ya up." Jude said, pushing the plate of cookies toward Mary. Mary Eunice said nothing and reached over to grab a cookie as she suppressed a yawn.

"Mary?" Olivia questioned.

"Hum?" Mary asked, the cookie made a loud 'snap' sound as she bit into it.

"Maybe I better help you with your homework." Olivia offered. Mary giggled as she chewed.

"What silly girl?" Jude asked.

"She taught me ta spell my name! I should help her too….Um, how do ya spell yar name again, Mary?"

"Oh honey; that's so sweet." Jude laughed as she kissed her daughter's cheek.

"Mommy can I have another cookie?" She asked, watching as Mary Eunice reached for a second one.

"Why don't ya go and get some of yar crayons befare ya have one, and that way, we can all work on yar spelling."

"Okay Mommy." Jude kissed her again. She and Mary sat in silence until Olivia left the room, the kitchen door swinging behind her.

"You okay Jude?" Mary asked sympathetically, knowing from the time she'd come in that something was on Jude's mind. "It's not still about her asking…you know, about her Father…_is it_?"

Over the years, Mary had come to understand that her adoptive Mother could get very hung up on Timothy Howard, her mind seeming to become possessed with the subject for weeks at a time, if he was brought up.

"Oh…a little." Jude admitted, biting into her own cookie.

When her daughter greeted her that morning, Jude had been staring out at the rain, thinking about the day she'd had been conceived. It had been the last time she and Timothy had made love. Jude was sure Olivia had happened over their last special dinner, later on that night. She could recall every thing about that night in painful detail, so much so that she could almost taste his delicious champagne-tainted breath lingering along her lips, and feel her hands running along the hard, toned muscles of his bare chest.

"Jude…"

"Oh!" Jude blinked as Mary called her back to the present.

Jude looked around at her kitchen, noting the rain falling outside just as it had that night. She frowned, realizing she'd momentarily allowed herself to be transported somewhere else. She hated herself for allowing this to happen, from time to time.

"You alright Jude?" Mary had a good idea of what was transpiring.

"Y-yes Mary Eunice, I'm just fine." She said, picking up the coffee she'd made for herself long before Olivia had interrupted her. "So, how's school?"

….

Jude closed her eyes tightly, tears flowing down her cheeks as she turned over and lye on her side. They'd had a pajama day that day and stayed inside, having hot chocolate and listening to the rain. As such, the girls kept her distracted that day, and she stopped thinking about Timothy when Olivia returned to the kitchen with her crayons. But now that night had fallen and she was alone with her thoughts, memories of Timothy returned like a monster that plagued her in the depth of the night.

She was ashamed of herself for her renewed thoughts about him. It had been over for a long time and she'd thought she'd grown beyond even the pain of loosing him…who was she kidding, she'd never get over that. But these past few years, she'd managed to mostly keep Timothy out of her mind, even as she raised a baby who looked like him and should've carried his name. And until now, she'd been good at it.

But somehow, her daughter's questions about the man who'd Fathered her, brought Jude new desire for her ex. She was ashamed to admit even to herself, that she missed her lover's body; that she'd grown to know so well. Jude thought she knew Timothy more than intimately, if there were even a word for that kind of love and knowledge of someone.

"Why Timothy…" She said to herself. "It coulda been the most beautiful thing in the whole of our lives…our precious child, yours and mine…and ya had ta go and make it my shame."

Jude was not ashamed for baring and raising Olivia alone, but she knew others saw it as her shame, while he was off the hook, scott-free, his reputation untarnished.

Jude opened her eyes, she hate laying awake in the night like this, but what was she to do when she couldn't close her eyes without seeing him on top of her, it was the last thing she wanted to see right then, but the very thought of it pulled her back in, causing her to close her eyes again and take a deep, frustrated breath.

"I love you, my rare bird." Jude recalled him promising just while they were in the midst of their climax. Jude's eyes flung open again, upon hearing the cruelest of all his words, the broken promise: I love you.

Jude shivered, rolling over onto her other side. Out of all their years of sex, romance, and a shared dream the _I love You's _were the things she couldn't stand to recall. Not only did they break her heart all over again, but the mere recollection of his voice whispering it softly, his breath tickling her ear made her skin crawl.

Jude tossed and turned, unable to escape her memories of her last fling with the Father of her child, wondering why she was being tortured so. Had it just been her baby's question? Jude thought it was funny how she could recall every detail of the affair, or what they'd referred to at the time as, their love affair, especially the end of it, but for some reason, she never thought of how it all began.

If her Olivia were older she might tell her, because for a long time, it was a beautiful story.

….

February 1961,

"Timothy, why on earth have ya brought me here?" Jude mumbled under her breath, her eyes transfixed upon the dark, stone building before her.

She never thought it would be a castle, or a refuge; after all, it was soon to be a mental institution. But Jude found herself truly surprised when she pulled up to Briarcliff Manor for the first time. She put the car in park and pulled the keys out of the ignition, sticking them into her jacket pocket as she got out of the car. Timothy had told her to come up here and have a look, that it would all be theirs, and that it was the ticket for them to go to a higher place together.

"This?" She asked herself, kicking the dirt with the toe of her boot. "This, how could this be the ticket ta anything?"

"Hello there." She heard a voice.

"Ahhhhh! Oh, Timothy!" She caught her breath, watching him laugh as he came out from his hiding place behind a tree she'd parked next to. "Ya scared me."

"I'm sorry my love." He said, wrapping his arm around her waist and kissing her forehead. "Well, what do you think?"

"It's dump, Timothy."

"Don't say that it's got a lot of potential. And it will get us where we're going." He said, taking both of her hands in his own.

"What do ya mean, where we're going?"

"You shall see Jude. Briarcliff will be an institution, renowned for curing the incurable mentally ill."

"And ya want me ta live in this….institution."

"Well yes but you'll be running it, I'll be your boss of course, but you'll have a wide range of oversight and…"

"Now, yar bein' my boss…" She teased. "Isn't that kind of a conflict of interest Timothy." She asked, turning to him.

"I'm already your boss." He reminded, holding her closer. "It's already a conflict." He kissed her lips softly, leaning his forehead against hers. "Please do it Jude. Be on my team, be part of my plan. It'll be good for you, you'll run the whole place, and you can bring Mary Eunice…and I figure it'll be good for us….intimately."

"Intimately?" She questioned, raising an eyebrow.

"There's space there, for you to live in private, in such a way, that I can come and see you, and be with you, and there won't be quite so much sneaking around."

"Hum….Yar doing this far yar own desires, aren't ya?"

"Largely, yes." He admitted. "I want you Jude. I want to have you any time I want you, not when we can sneak around and find a place to hide…"

Jude put her head down when he said this, wondering why he didn't just give up the church and marry her if he wanted her that much. Timothy kissed the top of her head and hugged her.

"And in that same way, I want you to have something too Jude. You're more than just my lover, you're a beautiful, intelligent woman, and you deserve career advancement. Trust me, when I tell you that this is it. Not every nun gets to run something, and a lot of them want to, look how happy Mother Claudia…."

"Alright Timothy." She sighed. "I'll do it."

"You'll take the job?"

"Yes."

"Excellent love." He kissed her softly. Timothy paused, cupping her cheek in his hand and taking a moment just to stare at her.

"Um, what Timothy?" She smiled.

"I uh…oh nothing."

"What?"

He kissed her again.

"I wish I could do that whenever I pleased, in front of anyone I wanted. Jude…there's something I have to tell you."

"W-what?" She was afraid to ask.

"One day, when I become Pope." He whispered. "I will change the rule and you will become my wife."


	3. Ghosts In The Night

Chapter 3- Ghosts In The Night

October 1969

"Alright now, Olivia, it's bedtime." Jude whispered, tucking her daughter in and kissing her forehead.

"But I'm not sleepy." Olivia protested.

"Livie." Jude cautioned.

"Mommy I wanna stay awake!"

"Ya've had a long day and it's Saturday night, I already let ya stay up."

"I want ya ta tell me more about my Daddy!"

"Olivia there's nothing else far me ta tell ya about yar Father."

"He's my Daddy, that's not fair."

"Well Daddy was not fair ta Mommy."

"Why?"

Jude sighed, growing increasingly impatient by the moment.

"I want my Daddy." She continued.

"Olivia, yar Father really hurt me."

"How?"

"Grown up ways."

"Please tell me." Jude sighed, putting her head down and allowing a ringlet of blonde hair to drop onto her face. "No." She said firmly, tucking her daughter in and kissing her.

"Pleeeeease!"

"Little girl, go ta bed." Jude teased, pressing her forehead against her daughter's.

"Why?"

"Because ya are tryin' my patience." She said, lightly grabbing Olivia's chin.

"Will ya tell me when I'm older?" She asked precociously.

"No." Jude said, turning off the light. "This is not something I want my baby Olivia ta ever have ta understand."

Jude left her daughter lying wide-awake and deeply confused. What would she not want her to understand, even as a grown up? Jude shut the door and ran her fingers through her hair, walking slowly back to her own room. It wasn't that Jude wanted to begrudge her little girl a Father. She felt bad that Olivia probably thought that. Jude worried that she thought she wasn't good enough for a Father to love…and all sorts of things she'd certainly thought as a small girl; things that had almost ruined her life.

In truth, these were the reasons Jude didn't want her to have the knowledge of who her Father was, because if she did, she'd be able to know enough about him to feel personally rejected. This way it wasn't personal, only foreign.

Jude didn't want her baby girl to have that experience; of knowing what it was like to be rejected by a man, Father, or boyfriend…Jude, remember, had had both. And she certainly didn't want her to know what it met to be owned by a man, as she'd felt owned by Timothy for years.

…

April 1960

_"Ahhhh! Haaaaaa….aaaaawwww. Oh Jude!"_

_ "Ahhhhh! Urrrgggg!"_

_ Jude didn't care if she was being loud and allowed her head to flop back as the tension between them intensified. She'd never, in all her years, felt anything so good. It was electrifying and so stimulating that Jude didn't think she'd ever be able to quit it. _

_ Jude could remember the day it first happened. They'd been seeing each other for several months by then, even dating and they'd gone away to this Catholic convention together, covertly of course. It had started with awkwardness, a peculiar kind of love at first sight, and slowly transitioned into even more awkward flirtation, which was eased by a brazen first kiss and followed by dozens more stolen kisses, each one better than the last. But now, several months later, in a borrowed convention center hotel room, Jude felt they'd gone too far. _

_ "Ahhhh!" Both of them felt totally overwhelmed by the sensation as they climaxed. _

_ Jude took a deep breath and collapsed into Timothy's arms, having grown tired by the end of their act. She was surprised at how satisfying it had been, given that it had been his first time. Her heart pounded in her chest, not just because of what they'd done but because she was scared. What had she done? Things were finally going well and now she'd had sex with a Priest. What in the world had she been thinking? Timothy, meanwhile, was stunned and all at once, happy with himself._

_ "I can't believe we just did that! Monsignor I'm sorry I…"_

_ "No, no Jude." He smiled, tucking her hair behind her ear. "It's Timothy. You know that." He kissed her hands sweetly as he took them in his own. "Please do not be sorry for what we have done. It's a sin, but I love you." She smiled, this was not the first time he'd said he loved her and no man ever really had before…not her own Father, not even Casey. She sighed and closed her eyes, happy to finally feel loved._

_ "Oh…oh my God!…Jude!" Timothy said with a panic._

_ "What?!" She asked, she was alarmed and she opened her eyes suddenly, turning to him._

_"Jude I…I don't know how to say this but…we forgot something very important…"_

_ "What's that?"_

_ "We forgot to…you know, to use any…anything…" Timothy had just given her his virtue, having never done such a thing before, the idea of using contraceptives had completely escaped him…then there was the fact that he didn't believe in them to begin with. Timothy paused then cleared his throat, preparing to speak again. "Jude we…" He laughed nervously. "We didn't use anything to keep you from getting pregnant."_

_ "That's okay." She said softly. "I can't have babies anyway. Ya don't need ta worry about that."_

_ Timothy paused then hugged her tighter, he could tell it hurt her to say this. _

_ "I'm sorry." He said, kissing the top of her head very softly. He thought for a minute then continued speaking once more. "You are so beautiful my rare bird, He leaned his forehead against hers, smiling still. "Let me tell you what I want for us and for our life together."_

_"O-our life together…?" She paused, her heart pounding as he took her hands in his again and kissed them a second time._

_ "I want you by my side always. Wherever I go. You go. You will be mine, and I will be yours."_

"_Will I be yar one and only?" She asked with a tear in her eye, not believing what he was suggesting. _

"_Oh precious Jude. I love you. You're my one and only forever and ever."_

October 1969

"Ya will be mine and I will be yars." Jude scoffed at the recollection under her breath. "Yar my one and only farever and ever…ha!" Jude closed her eyes and inhaled sharply as she lowered herself on to the edge of her bed. Within moments, memory took over, of the only man she thought ever loved her and tears gushed down her cheeks. She tried everyday to act like it didn't bother her, but it was moments like these that made Jude remember that her heart was undeniably broken and it would probably remain that way forever and ever. And in moments like these, Timothy went from being a distant memory she shoved away at every turn, to being a ghost at night, whose presence was both all encompassing and seemingly constant.

"Ah Timothy, why'd ya have ta do this ta me?" She questioned silently, pulling herself into a fetal position as she began to cry.

Jude wished her young daughter would stop inquiring about her Father. The girl's inquiries were hard for her Mother; it was akin to taking a big knife and sloppily slicing freshly healed wounds open all over again. In addition to healing, Jude wanted to shelter Olivia from the many evils of the long affair she'd had with her Father. Jude climbed into bed, hugging herself tightly; some part of her brain couldn't or wouldn't let go of the feel of Timothy hugging her tightly while they were in bed. She desired him so much and hated him much, much more it was a strange mix of emotion that was about to drive her over the edge.

"Timothy, why?" She cried.

Looking back, Jude thought she saw almost everything in their relationship for what it had really been. He had loved her, it was true. But he'd been selfish, and set in his ways, and unable to give when it mattered most. Jude often looked back on their first night together with a range of emotion, but the ironic thing was that she'd never realized what Timothy had that first night they spent together: that she was perfect for him as a long term lover because she could not get pregnant. That way, he could have sex and have a partner without the worry of an unwanted baby coming into their lives. He'd figured this out very quickly and it had been one of the reasons he'd suggested making a non-formal, but long term commitment after only one sexual encounter and a handful of dinner dates. This was something Jude might not ever fully come to know, and if she did, it would break her.

…

"Olivia." Mary said.

She was tired but had gotten up early with Jude and Olivia anyway. Like Jude she too was plagued by the ghosts of her past in the middle of the night….one in particular, in fact, and for that reason; she could not sleep to save her life, it seemed.

"Um-hum…" Olivia mumbled as she drank her milk. She sat at the breakfast table with Mary Eunice the next morning, wearing her pajamas and socks. Jude was in the other room and the two were alone together.

"Please stop asking about your Dad…I think its upsetting Mommy a lot." Mary knew the pattern, every night she'd hear Olivia ask questions and unbeknownst to the girl, Jude would cry herself to sleep.

"It is?" Olivia asked with wide eyes.

"It is." She sighed. "Livie I…I know that you have a lot of questions I understand but Mommy loved your Daddy very much."

"She did?" This only made her even more curious.

"She did."

"Well then can ya help me with my project?"

"What project?" Mary raised an eyebrow.

"It's far school, it's about Daddies."

"What about Daddies?" Mary asked dryly.

"Um…" This was her first school project and because she was so little, it was hard for her to explain fully. "Who they are and how much you love them and what they do for money…Mary what's my Daddy's job? The one he left me far?"

Mary was shocked and her mouth hung open for a second. No wonder she'd been asking so many questions about her Father.

"Jude!" Mary called.

…

"I'll talk ta yar teacher about gettin' ya a new project. But I won't tell ya anything more about yar Father." Jude said.

"But Mommy!" The little girl whined.

Olivia didn't think her Mother understood and Olivia couldn't convey it; but this man was part of her, the idea of not knowing him made her miserable. It was in the afternoon, after school, and Jude had come to pick Olivia up so she could have a talk with her teacher.

"No buts, Olivia. Mommy'll be back in a few minutes. Wait right here." Jude pat her daughter's head, sitting her right outside the classroom door before going inside. Olivia folded her arms angrily and began to pout.

"Hello, Sistah Florence?" Jude questioned, interrupting the older nun who was busy erasing the blackboard.

"Yes?" She asked.

It was weird for Jude to be there with this woman, donned from head to toe in her black habit. Jude realized that the last time she'd worn one had been the day she'd fully realized how very pregnant she was.

"Sistah, hello, I'm Jude Martin, Olivia's Mother."

"Oh…" She shot Jude an almost wicked kind of smile before returning to the beck and call of her eraser. "Yes. _Miss_ Martin."

Jude knew in an instant that this Nun knew not only who she was, but also the kind of scandal she'd been involved in…and also, who Olivia's Father was. Somehow, many Nuns and Priests seemed aware, although to everyone's knowledge it was only a rumor. Still, it was another shame Jude had to live with, all while Timothy had had the privilege of going to New York and escaping the ridicule he deserved equal part of. Jude was uncomfortable now and wondered how she was even going to attempt to talk to this Nun about how her daughter didn't have a Father and therefore, couldn't complete the project.

"Sistah Florence, I understand there's a project, ya assigned…"

"Yes, it's for the children to report on their Fathers…" The nun didn't turn around and Jude hung her head, not listening as she continued to speak.

"Well, Sister…" Jude was embarrassed.

She didn't think she'd have to confront this when Olivia was just in Kindergarten. Jude could feel herself turning a million shades of red and she wondered if her own Mother ever felt this way when she was a little girl.

"Sister, Olivia doesn't have a Father, she just has me and my older daughter, that's all. Do ya think ya could give her an alternate assignment, maybe let her do her report on me, instead, I work…" Jude swallowed. "And I'm her Mothah and her Fathah..."

"Sorry Miss Martin." She continued. "The project really is for Father's only, we'll have a Mother's project we'll be doing next term…"

"But Sister, what am I ta do far…"

"She'll just have to report on her Father, whether she knows him or not."

"And if she can't."

"If she can't, she'll have to tell everyone she doesn't know him."

Jude opened her mouth to protest but the old nun wouldn't let her get a word in edgewise.

"Now I'm sure you'll think of something to tell her Miss Martin." She said, pushing her toward the door. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have quite a lot of work to do…"

"But please ya must understand that…"

"Good day, _Miss _Martin." Jude was still in the middle of saying something and shocked when her daughter's teacher slammed her classroom door in her face.

"Olivia, its time ta….Olivia?" Jude froze when realized her daughter was nowhere to be found. She should've been sitting, right there. "Olivia! Olivia!" Jude's heart began to pound as she rushed down the hall, and started looking for her everywhere. "Olivia!"

Jude was in tears by the time she reached the playground.

"Olivia!"

"I'm here Mommy." Jude looked up when Olivia called.

Jude placed her hand over her heart and sighed, feeling the ache ease as the girl jumped off the monkey bars and ran to her. Jude got on her knees and hugged her tight before grabbing her little face.

"Don't ya ever wander away from Mommy again! When I sit ya somewhere and tell ya ta wait, ya stay, do ya understand?"

"But Mommy I was just…"

"Olivia it's not safe! Ya stay where Mommy knows where ya are!"

"Mommy…" Olivia bit her lip.

"Yes baby?"

"Mommy does Sister Florence think I'm a bad girl because I don't have a Daddy? Is that why she hates me?"

Olivia had heard part of the conversation her Mother had had with her teacher and walked away because of it. She felt ashamed, and didn't want to think about it, so she made her way to the only happy place at school: the playground, hoping some of her friends would still be there playing. They were not.

"Oh my baby." Jude tucked Olivia's hair behind her ear. "She doesn't hate ya."

Jude's heart sunk when she looked into her daughter's eyes. Her words had some merit, Jude thought the nun probably did think bad things of her daughter just because she didn't have a Father, but she wasn't about to tell Olivia that.

"Are ya sure?" Olivia inquired. She was pretty sure she was disliked and that it was because of her lack of a Father.

"Oh my treasure, I love ya so much." Jude didn't know what to do and decided to change the subject.

Jude had been a little angry when she first left the classroom, before she'd realized Olivia was missing. Now that she'd had the scare she just felt relieved to have her baby in her arms again. Everything else would work out. Somehow.

"Come on love." Jude said, standing up, Olivia still in her arms. She kissed her cheek and held her close. "Let's go home, we'll have a nice dinner and get our minds off of everything."

"Okay but can we work on the project about my Daddy?"

…

Jude was tired and almost in tears when she finally put Olivia to bed that night. Mary Eunice had had a difficult night too, her horrific and reoccurring nightmares had returned, and as a result, Jude had had to help get her to sleep, which had not been easy. It never was. Jude hated nights like this when her adopted daughter suffered so much and there was really not much she could do for her. Nights like these were fewer and further between now, but they were especially difficult when something was wrong with Olivia at the same time. She hated that her poor little girl was marked. What was she going to do about this horrible nun? Jude couldn't help but feel she was intentionally trying to label her daughter, to make her confess to a sin she didn't commit and had no part in.

"I'm so sorry baby." Jude had whispered in her daughter's ear once she got her to sleep. "Mommy never met far yar life ta be like this."

Jude retired to the kitchen to make herself; something to drink and turned on the radio, hoping that some nice music would give her some sense of solace. But unfortunately; there they were again, The Supremes.

_ "Love child, never meant to be, love child (scorned by) society, love child always second best, love child, different from the rest…M…" _

"Damn you Timothy!" Jude screamed.

She took a big cookbook and threw it at the radio. The book hit it in such a way that it changed the station instead of turning it off. The book then proceeded to fall to the floor with a loud _thump! as the _radio began to play _There Goes My Baby_.

"_There goes my baby, movin' on down the line, wonder where, wonder were she is bound? I broke her heard and made her cry, now I'm alone, so all alone, what can I do, what can I do?"_

Jude covered her mouth and began to sob as she to slid to the floor.

"Damn you Timothy, damn you!"


	4. Let Go

Ch 4- Let Go

November 1963

After dinner, Jude and Timothy took all the cushions off the couch and lye them in front of the hearth. Sometimes, they liked to spend their evening there, talking, cuddling and watching the fire. Jude was tired and that was exactly how she wanted to spend the night, laying on the comfortable cushions, Timothy's arms around her as they fell asleep together, he'd hold her tightly and kiss her on the forehead, she'd kiss him sweetly as they fell asleep…the radio playing softly in the background.

But once they laid down she quickly came to understand that Timothy was not in a sweet mood. Instead, he was in an almost obviously aggressive one. When they lye down he'd engaged her lips with a rough kiss, wrapping his arms tightly around her and pulling her close, soon climbing on top of her. He kissed down to her neck as she felt him grab her sides and her breasts, eventually sticking his hands under her shirt and running them up her ribs, the goosebumps on her skin seeming to pop up one my one as his hands slid over her, tracing her curves in a gentle but tantalizingly soft motion as if he were brushing fine silk.

"No Timothy, I don't feel like it, not tonight." She moaned, lifting her chin as his lips traced the line of her neck.

"Oh yes you do." He said, his mouth returning to her neck as he spoke.

"Timothy I…"

"Shu Jude, yes you do my love." He insisted.

She could feel his hands make their way up her back and begin to unhook her bra. This was the part she hated about her relationship. When it came to sex her no's simply met yes and it was always that way. But she put up with it because she loved Timothy, and truthfully, she didn't think about it all that much. After all, this was probably the healthiest relationship she'd had with a man in her whole life. He was sweet to her at least verbally, and so she questioned nothing.

"Tim, I…" He leaned in to kiss her again as she spoke, stopping her protests. When Jude opened her eyes again, she was naked and so was he. "Timothy not tonight, I…"

"Jude you're so beautiful, did you know that?" He asked, moving back in on her neck for a moment. "I'm so blessed to have you as my love."

"Ahh!" She squeaked in pain. With one swift move, he was inside of her.

Jude moaned a little; the fact that he'd just shoved himself inside without giving her time had hurt but Timothy didn't notice. He quickly went to work pounding Jude almost mercilessly. It took several minutes for the pain to subside. When it was over he grabbed the faux fur blanket she'd brought onto the pillows and covered them both with it, kissing Jude's cheek sweetly.

"I love you sweetheart." He said, taking her hand in his own, squeezing it tight.

"I love ya too Timothy."

….

October 1969

Jude stared off into space, her hair blowing in the wind. She was lost in her thoughts and jumped when very suddenly a child's excited scream pulled her back to the present. She blinked a couple of times, her eyes refocusing on Olivia who played on the monkey bars with a friend from school.

"Hi Mommy!" She called.

"Hi sweetheart!" Jude smiled.

It was Saturday and she'd taken Olivia to the park to play. Fall was progressing and it was getting colder outside. Jude didn't know what had gotten her thinking about Timothy yet again. Perhaps it was just watching Olivia. She looked like her Father today, more so than usual. Jude shivered, hugging herself tightly. She missed the feel of his arms, of him holding her; she had loved being snug in his embrace, even when she wasn't in the mood for it. And right now she desired him more than anything. She tried to resist, but found she could not. Even now.

Today, Jude had begun to realize that there'd been a lot of coercion in their relationship, especially when it came to sex. Lately, she'd been seeing things more clearly and she'd never realized, how demanding or forceful he could be when it came to making love, or more specifically, to pleasing him. Distance had given Jude a lot of perspective and she thought that she'd never seen his actions for what they were before now.

She'd thought Timothy was her love, and now she realized that he'd had no respect for her in many ways and that made her feel sick. Now, she recalled that if he wanted to have sex, she had no way out, he would force her: whenever and wherever he pleased. Jude was troubled by this discovery and was beginning to wonder if his actions could be considered abuse. The idea hurt her a lot, the betrayal already stung; but this was like throwing salt on the wounds.

Jude paused, looking up at her little girl again as she played. She had so much of Timothy in her, she even laughed like him if that were possible. Olivia asked about him so much, it was killing her. Jude wondered now, if they'd make it without him and moreover, if she'd ever escape him.

…..

July 1965- Boston

"Isn't it nice ta be out with Mommy Livie?" Jude asked sweetly.

Jude had the day off from work and had taken Olivia shopping with her. The eleven-month-old was exhausted and lye half awake, her head against her Mother's chest. Jude smiled, leaning down and kissing the baby, allowing her fingers to roam through the little girl's wispy, soft brown baby hair.

People gave her odd and sweet looks as they observed her carry Olivia around strapped to her chest. Baby carriers like this were of a more modern invention and weren't so popular 1965. The one Jude had was an almost bohemian kind of thing that Mary Eunice had fashioned out of an old floral dress and some other stronger pieces of fabric as a baby gift for Jude while she was pregnant. Jude could have afforded a stroller, but opted to use Mary's strange but creative gift instead. It was adorable and much more intimate. And besides that, it was easier to use. Jude was surprised though, that the thing could hold her almost one-year-old baby's weight.

"Oh come on, we're havin' a fun day, just you and Mommy, yar not really gonna fall asleep are ya Livie?" Jude teased.

Olivia fussed and put her face down on her Mother's chest. Jude smiled, kissing her head again, laying her cheek against the baby's head. Jude decided to let Olivia sleep, and caught a woman, who was sitting a few feet away, gazing at her as she looked up from her baby.

"Hi there." Jude began.

"Hello." The woman on the seat greeted, she was younger than Jude, brunette and very pregnant. "H-how is it?"

"What this?" Jude smiled, indicating her now sleeping baby.

"Yeah." The woman swallowed nervously, shifting in her seat a little.

"What's yar name?"

"L-Lana." She answered. Jude could sense that the younger woman seemed very uncomfortable and somewhat sad.

"It's really wonderful, Lana." She reassured, smiling. "Is it yar first?"

"Oh-uh…yes." She sniffled. "Do you just have the one?"

Jude paused, not really knowing what to say at first.

"I have a much older girl too." Jude decided to say. She really did feel this way about Mary Eunice and had for a long time. "Well I bet yar excited and yar husband…"

"This baby doesn't have a Father." Lana said quickly.

"Neither does this one." Jude replied, realizing that she caught the other woman by surprise.

"Oh." She batted her eyelashes.

"Ya can do it without a Daddy, I promise." Jude smiled. The bus stopped and she looked up, realizing that they'd arrived at her next stop. "Good luck." She told her. "And remember, Father or not, the baby is the reward."

….

October 1969

Jude found it odd she'd dreamt about the woman she'd met on the bus so many years prior. She'd felt an odd connection to the pregnant brunette, like if life had played out differently, they would've crossed paths in some larger way. Jude had had the distinct impression that the younger woman had not been planning on keeping her child, which is why she'd told her the baby was the reward…and she was….Jude reconsidered what she'd said to the woman and sighed.

'Ya can do it without a Daddy, I promise.'

Could she do this without a Daddy? Forever? Her Mother had, but Jude had to wonder how successful that had endeavor had been. She'd grown up to look for love from men in all the wrong places, and to this day, she knew her life would've been different if her Father had been there. She was scared now, that Olivia would suffer the same fate she had, and that her own Mother had…that it would be a never-ending cycle her little girl was doomed to repeat.

Jude, you see, was reeling from the realization, several days earlier, that Timothy had been sexually abusive to her. It was a trauma that she couldn't rap her head around. Timothy had loved her!...But Jude was coming to understand just how much he'd used her. She recalled Olivia's conception as she watched her at the park, she'd never realized before that Timothy had forced himself on her that night.

Jude longed for someone to talk to about it and she didn't think she could consult anyone. She had a few friends at work who wouldn't understand, there was Andrew, her friend from the bus. It would be inappropriate to bring the subject to him. Mary Eunice was the last person on earth she could talk to about sexual abuse and especially rape…had that been what it was? Rape. Tears poured from Jude's eyes and she tried not to think of it in those terms. Timothy wasn't a stranger; he had been a partner….his actions that night didn't count as rape….did they? Jude wiped the tears from her eyes. For a brief moment she wondered if she could talk to Father O'Donnell about this, she had confessed to him the rest of what had happened between her and Timothy, why not this?

"Na, na, ya can't Jude. Just…keep it inside."

…

May 1964

Jude almost shook as she walked through the church on her own. She was afraid to do this; but her heart was heavy and she needed reassurance. She sniffled, hoping that no one could see her crying under her black veil. She wore a black dress that wasn't too snug but complimented her figure nicely, dropping down to knee level and tastefully emphasizing her baby bump.

"Bless me, Father, far I have sinned." Jude said, crossing herself as she sat down in the confessional, her heart racing somewhat. "It's been about a year since I went ta confession last." Jude hung her head, letting a ringlet of blonde hair fall down onto her face.

"What burdens you my child?"

Jude paused, looking down, her hand rested upon her stomach, she could feel the baby bouncing around inside of her and felt so out of place there in the church because of it. It made her sin very real. It was living, in the flesh.

"I'm…I left the church." She began.

"You were a Sister?" The Priest inquired, seeming somehow more interested now.

"Yes Father."

"I see." He didn't really.

"I left because I'm with child." Jude swallowed. "By another member of my order, who I was in a committed relationship with far four years."

"Four years is a long time."

This was not what she'd expected to hear from him and was surprised. He seemed to understand that this relationship with this Priest must have been much, much more than a passing fling.

"Yes it is. We were breaking our vows far a long time and I'm truly sorry…"

"God will forgive. I feel that the fact he's blessed you with a child is a clear sign of that."

Jude blushed and put her head down, happy he saw that. She thought her impending child was a huge blessing and didn't care that Timothy didn't share that idea. It was nice to hear someone acknowledge it.

"Now what about this Father, why isn't he here with you, asking for forgiveness?" Jude put her head down again and the Priest could hear her sniffle.

"He left me the night I told him about the baby. He was being promoted in the church, and that mattered more ta him than me or his child." The wounds were still fresh and it was painful for Jude to repeat it, she pressed her hand further into her abdomen, feeling the baby continue to quicken as her tears flowed.

"Oh I see…you do know." He said. "That he will have to live with that." Jude wanted to laugh, _live with that, ha!..._ Timothy had no remorse. "And in the fullness of time. He will pay, he will suffer, Sister."

"I can't believe yar not disgusted with me." She almost laughed, pausing for a moment. "I was afraid to come here."

"That's not my job Sister, we're all human. Who am I to judge you, especially when your heart's already in the right place? That is God's job." Jude smiled, taking a deep breath when he said this.

This Priest actually respected Jude for what she'd done; leaving the church and her life, probably with nothing, for the sake of this child. What concerned him, was her former significant other, and the fact that such a selfish man was rising in the church, unchecked. He had Jude say a customary prayer, then he said one over her, surprising her when he added a blessing for her unborn child. In some way, Jude didn't think a priest would want to bless a bastard baby conceived by a Nun and a Priest.

"You know." He stopped her when she was about to leave. "Please, when the child is born, bring him back and I will baptize him."

"A-are ya…."

"Yes. The child and the Mother don't deserve shame because of the actions of the Father. I will baptize him."

It was on that day that Jude and Father O'Donnell became friends, and she and Mary Eunice began attending mass again. Over the next few years, only Father O'Donnell would share in their secret, that Cardinal Timothy Howard was Olivia's Father.

…

October 1965

Jude considered it, and made her way to the church at her lunch break. Half way there, and half way through her turkey sandwich, she realized she was wrong to turn to her priest on the subject, even if he did know the background of the situation, it was just too inappropriate. She would, as she originally told herself, keep it bottle up inside, at least for the foreseeable future.

Jude left work early and picked Olivia up at school, meeting her and Mary Eunice on their way home.

"I'm so happy ta see my girls!" She'd squealed, talking Olivia's hand and kissing Mary's cheek.

It did her soul good to see them so happy after all they'd been through. It started snowing when they got home, and Olivia hoped for a snow day, where she wouldn't have to go to school on Monday. She'd yet to have one, but couldn't wait to have her first. Jude decided it would be grilled cheese and tomato soup night. Olivia went to play, and Mary Eunice followed Jude into the kitchen to help her make dinner. She stopped, looking out the kitchen window at the falling snow as Jude put her apron on.

"Are ya alright?" She asked.

"It's uh…it's getting ta be that time of year again, isn't it?" Mary bit her lip nervously. Snow always signified to her that the anniversary was fast approaching.

"Oh my baby." Jude hugged her. "Yar okay, yar a strong, confident, wonderful woman. It's okay ta be free, it doesn't have ta shackle ya farever. Sometimes, no matter how much it hurts, or how scary it is it comes time ta let it go. Not because ya really ever farget, or because it wasn't horrific, but because ya have ta live. Ya have ta move on."

Mary smiled brightly, despite the tears that began running down her cheeks.

"Okay." She nodded, biting her lip. "But can you please promise me something?"

"What's that?"

"That you'll let go of your shackles too." Mary kissed Jude's cheek and left her standing alone in the kitchen.

Jude stared back at the swinging door Mary had walked through and took a deep breath.

"I can do it without the Daddy." She whispered. "I just have ta let go."

….

Jude smiled, holding out her arms for Olivia as she rushed to her. Several days had passed since Jude's realization and Mother and daughter had gone to the park again.

"Hello my child." She whispered, kissing her little girl's head. "Are ya ready to go home?"

"Yes Mommy it's cold!"

"Yes baby I know."

"Mommy." She said as she and her Mother began to walk down the street.

"Yes honey."

"Mommy I'm sorry."

"Far what my love?"

"Far askin' ya about my Daddy."

"Oh sweetheart that's alright." Jude smiled. "Ya can ask me about him anytime ya want. But I promise we'll be just fine without him."


	5. You Have A Gift

Ch 5- You Have A Gift

November 1964

Three-month-old Olivia Martin slept soundly, tucked warmly into her little wooden crib. It was cold even in the apartment and snow gently blanketed the ground outside. The house was dark and Mary Eunice, the baby's caregiver while her Mother was at work, crept around the place quietly, cleaning up in anticipation of a very special visitor. She looked up from her place by the coffee table when there was a soft knock at the door. It hadn't been very loud, but Mary felt like it vibrated through the walls and was terrified it would wake the baby. She rushed to it and answered it before her guest had a chance to knock again.

"Arthur!" She whispered, a smile spreading across her face as she flung the door open.

"Hello Mary." He smiled warmly.

He stood for a second and just took her all in, it had been many months since he'd seen her. He was ecstatic that she looked so much better now. She'd gained weight, she appeared happy and best of all, the light had returned to the former nun's eyes.

"I'm so happy you could come."

"I'm so happy you asked me. Nothing's the same; without you."

"I miss you too Dr. Arden. Please, come in. I've made lunch for us and…"

"Waaaaah-ahhhh!"

"Oh…I'm sorry, that's Olivia, she's up!"

Dr. Arden was curious and followed Mary into the nursery where Jude's baby lye screaming.

"It's a girl?" He asked. He hadn't seen Mary since before Jude had had the baby.

"Uh-huh. Her name's Olivia."

Mary smiled and brought the baby over to him. Olivia was calm now and yawned in Mary's arms. Arthur studied her for a moment, her soft brown hair and eyes immediately giving away the identity of the Father to him. Once finding out, he figured he should've known already. He had many questions now, but elected not to ask Mary Eunice about them. He would however, ask, the Monsignor about his daughter when he returned to Briarcliff.

"I'm sorry, we'll have to wait on lunch a few minutes…I think she might go back to sleep." Mary whispered.

Dr. Arden nodded and went back to the living room to wait for his young friend. He sat on the couch and looked around the room, thinking about going into the kitchen to pour himself a glass of wine when at once a pair of unfinished paintings on an old, broken easel caught his eye. He crossed the room and began to study them.

"I'm sorry Arthur she…"

"Is this your work?" He smiled.

"Yes. It's just something I've been doing as part of my recovery…and to pass the time when Olivia's sleeping…white wine or red?"

"Oh, red thank you. You know Mary. It's quite good."

"No." She laughed.

"Really." He insisted, taking the glass of wine she'd just poured. "I mean it. It's wonderful. You have a gift."

Mary tilted her head and studied her own work as the two of them sat on the couch together.

"Oh. I don't know about that. I do like painting, I like studying about it too."

"I insist. You are very good."

"Dr. Arden." Mary blushed. She was complimented so rarely, and when it came from Arthur, it always met a lot.

"It's true. And what else have you been up to, I take it you've fully recovered, at least, physically?"

Dr. Arden was anxious about this and asked quickly because he didn't know any other way to inquire about it. Mary paused and put her head down.

"Yes. I've recovered…physically."

"You know, they gave him to me…after what happened."

"I…I cant' talk about this…"

"I'm sorry." He deeply regretted what happened and still felt as if it were his fault in some capacity. "On to better things. Like your future."

"Oh…I haven't thought much about…" She didn't know what to do now that she wasn't a nun anymore and other than trying to recover, her whole attention had been focused on baby Olivia.

"Well may I make a suggestion?" He asked, sipping his wine.

"Oh...yes Arthur." She smiled. "I-I always value your opinion."

He turned and looked at the painting, looking for a few long seconds and then returning his gaze to her.

"College." He said.

"Oh me? Oh Arthur I don't know I…"

"Nonsense. You're a smart girl. You deserve to move on from the pain. Don't let it consume you!"

"I-it's that time of year I th-I think it'll always bother me at this time of year." She said, staring it out the window at the falling snow. Arthur looked back at it, quickly returning his gaze to Mary.

"You should go." He said confidently. "Go and study art. Live happily."

"S-study art?"

"Yes." He smiled. "You have a gift."

….

November 1969

"What's the matter Mary, why are you so tense?" Her boyfriend, Mark, asked.

Jude observed that she was being very jumpy as the pair kissed and almost jumped out of her seat when he started massaging her back. Jude looked on carefully from her place in the dining room, where she was picking up the dishes from dinner.

"Mary Eunice are ya alright?" She asked.

"Ah! Y-yeah Jude I'm alright."

Jude paused, continuing to watch as Mary stared off into space, not paying attention as Mark continued to rub her back and Olivia came and stood beside them. She was excited to show off a mask she'd made in class that day, to the two art students and put it on before she approached them.

"Mary…." Olivia said quietly, seeming to appear in front of her adoptive sister from out of nowhere.

"Ahhhh!" Mary screamed, jumping up. Olivia whimpered.

"No you're not jumpy, not at all." Mark noted sarcastically, pulling a frightened Olivia onto his lap.

"Mary Eunice, could ya come to the kitchen with me?" Jude asked. "We have ta talk." Mary sighed.

"I'm sorry Livie." She said, following Jude into the other room.

"You okay, kiddo?" Mark asked Olivia and she nodded as he began to look at her mask.

"Mary Eunice what's goin' on?" She asked, gently taking her adoptive daughter's face in her hands.

"I-it's that time of year again."

Jude sighed, dropping her hands to her sides.

"I know all about that time of year…it's comin' far me too. And I know it's scary far you and…and sad far me but…Mary we're movin' on. I have a beautiful daughter…well." She smiled. "It would be wrong of me to say that. I have two beautiful daughters." Mary blushed. "And you have a great school, and a wonderful boyfriend and something you love…"

Mary leaned against the counter, keeping her head down. She didn't think Jude's sad thing, while horrible, rivaled the thing that had traumatized her so deeply. Every time she looked at Jude she was overwhelmed with the sense that she'd grown beyond it, Olivia's very presence signified that. She knew one could say similarly of her. It would appear that she was totally recovered…or perhaps even untouched. If outward appearances bode complete stories, people would realize that some days, Mary did feel whole again. But there were many more times, particularly when it first started to snow; that she would tell you she felt dead inside, or maybe even like she were falling, as if the ground could open up at any moment and burry her deep within it.

…

"Hi Mommy." Olivia greeted her Mother sadly. She sat on a bench near her classroom, her tiny feet dangling above the floor.

"W-Olivia, honey Mommy came as soon as she could! What's wrong, what happened?" Jude had rushed to the school after a call from the headmaster's office. Apparently, Olivia's teacher needed to speak with her expediently.

"I failed." She said, simply.

"Oh honey I…"

"Mommy."

"What sweetheart?"

"What's failed mean?"

"Oh sweet baby…." Jude pulled Olivia onto her lap and kissed her. Olivia hugged her Mother tightly, sighing as she rested her head on her shoulder.

"Ya didn't fail anything." Jude whispered, rubbing circles in her little girl's back. Jude felt horrible, knowing this was about the Father's project. "Mommy failed, ya didn't."

"No Mommy!" Olivia sat up and looked into Jude's eyes. "Mommy ya didn't fail anything!"

Jude smiled deeply, rubbing her nose against her daughters, happy for the very kind words her baby had to offer.

"Mommy?" She asked.

"Yes Olivia."

"What's fail mean?"

"It means you did not pass." Olivia's teacher, Sister Florence, spat as she opened the door.

"Does this mean I'll have ta stay in kindergarten foreber?" Olivia asked, her eyes growing wide.

"No, no honey it doesn't."

"I will not pass you until you finish the project." The old nun replied defiantly. Jude's heart sank.

"But sistah…"

"You'll just have to tell this girl a little more about where she came from…that is of course unless you don't know…"

Jude gasped and she covered Olivia's ears quickly. It was then that she realized how mean Sister Florence really was, she'd insinuated before that Timothy was the Father and everyone knew it. Jude understood that she'd just said this to be hurtful.

"Sistah Florence." Jude was angry. "Ya've done enough ta insert yarself in my family's private affairs."

During the first week of school, Sister Florence had interrogated Mary Eunice about who she was, demanding to know how she was related to Olivia.

"Ya have no business tellin' me how ta raise my daughter. And ta insinuate that I don't know the man who Fathered her is abhorrent. I'm not sure I can let her return to yar class."

By now, Olivia was covering her own ears, because she respected that her Mother didn't want her to hear the conversation. Jude pulled her onto her hip and stood, beginning to walk away from Sister Florence.

"Mommy what's she talkin' about?" Olivia asked from her place on her Mother's hip as they walked down the street.

"Nonsense." She told her, putting the girl on her feet.

"But Mommy…Mommy please don't make me go to another school. I like my friends and the school, I just don't like Sister Florence!"

Jude sighed. "Honey she just said somethin' really horrible ta Mommy, something that I don't think I can let go or explain ta ya right now." Jude was reeling from the fact that a Nun had basically just insinuated she was a whore. Perhaps she deserved it? She'd probably done that to several people during her time at Briarcliff…but to involve Olivia was not fair.

"Please Mommy I'm happy there…except far her."

"I know." Jude paused. She had two choices now. Pull her daughter from the school and separate her from many people who made her happy, or, contend with this mean old Nun and her wishes…which met, telling Olivia about her origins: for real this time.

"Sweetheart. Mama has ta explain something to ya…let's go home and make something nice far snack and then we'll talk, alright?"

"Okay…" She agreed hesitantly.

Jude and her daughter walked home in relative silence, clutching each other's hands. It began to snow when they got inside. Jude took off her heals and prepared snack for them to share.

"Come here love." She said, pulling her daughter onto her lap.

Olivia grabbed a graham cracker and turned around to face her Mother, like she liked to do. Jude took a deep breath and placed her forehead against Olivia's. Sighing softly, she kissed her daughter and then began to explain.

"Sweetheart. We can't really tell people about Daddy."

"Why? Because he's not here?"

"No. Because there are things ya don't know."

"Like what?"

Olivia felt something strange in the pit of her stomach, brought on by her Mother's worried tone. She would look back on this moment when she was grown and regard the feeling she had now as deep, gut-wrenching fear. She already felt unwanted, but the Father she did not know, and didn't realize how much she dreaded hearing anything that would reinforce that fear.

"Yar Daddy…yar Daddy…"

"Is he a bad guy?" Olivia's voice waivered and Jude could tell she was afraid.

"No. No, nothin'…nothin' like that. He was a good man and I loved him…far the time he could love me…"

Olivia didn't understand this. How could you really stop loving someone if you loved them enough to spend several years with them? Jude sighed.

"Remember how I told ya that Daddy, that Daddy's not here because of his job?" She nodded. "Well. He has a job that doesn't allow him to be a Daddy."

Olivia was perplexed and didn't understand why a job would preclude someone from being a parent. Mommy had a busy job and still had plenty of time to be Mommy.

"He must work all the time!"

"Well, kind of. Olivia, yar Daddy…" Jude didn't want to tell her, she didn't think she could understand, and as vein as it was, she didn't want her daughter to think ill of her. "Yar Daddy moved ta New York…" Olivia wondered why she'd never seen him, New York was not all that far away. "Because he became a Cardinal, of New York….Yar Fathah is a Priest."

Olivia tilted her head, gazing at her Mother questioningly. How could this be? Priests didn't marry or have children, especially not Cardinals. Olivia, who was only five, had recently learned that Cardinals were important priests.

"L-like at Church?" She asked, to clarify, gulping nervously as she did so.

"Yes." Jude answered.

"L-like Sister Florence is a…"

"Yes. Mommy and Daddy weren't ever supposed ta be tagether…and she's sorry she made that mistake."

"I'm a mistake?" Olivia was clearly upset. Her heart began to race.

"No, no honey!" Jude said, cupping the girl's cheeks in her hands. "Yar my gift. The most precious thing in Mommy's world and met to be. But yar Daddy…"

"He didn't want me?"

"He was gettin' promoted in the Church." She said. "And I told him, that same day, that I was having a baby, that you were inside me…"

It crushed Jude to recall this, and it hurt even more to have to divulge the details to Olivia, who she didn't think would even understand.

"And Livie, he chose the Church over you baby girl. I'm so sorry." Olivia started sobbing. Jude joined her in her crying. She didn't want to tell her baby these horrible truths.

"Ya mean everything in the world ta yar Mommy, Olivia. Absolutely everything in the world, my precious babe. Shu, shu…why do ya think Mommy's so hurt about Daddy too?" Jude rocked Olivia as she continued to cry. "This was why I didn't wanna say anything more to ya."

"Am I not good enough?" Olivia had asked this before.

"No. Yar perfect Olivia Martin yar a perfect little girl and I love ya more than the whole entire world."

Olivia began to blubber, and clung to her Mom as she sobbed.

"Shu, shu. I promise ya it'll be okay, shuuuu. Yar my perfect little gift Olivia. It doesn't matter what any teacher says, or what any man decides. I love ya more than any Father ever could."

Olivia chewed on her finger, quieting down now and clinging to her Mom as she whispered soothing thoughts in her ear. Olivia's heart was broken, but she allowed to swell with her Mother's love. What she didn't realize was that her own tears were breaking her Mom's heart all over again.

…..

November 1964

"Ah there you are." Dr. Arden smiled, his eyes casting down on Timothy who leaned over his desk, packing his briefcase. He'd been nominated a year before, but was just about to leave Briarcliff for the last time and assume his position in New York. "I see congratulations are in order."

Timothy looked up, shooting him a doubtful glare, a smile suddenly spreading across his face.

"Well thank you Arthur, I didn't expect your congratulations on matters of religious…"

"No, no, not that." Arthur laughed. "It's not that at all."

He reached into his pocket and handed Timothy a cigar. The new Cardinal of New York took it in hand, examining it discriminately. It was a normal cigar but had a baby pink band around the center. He wondered what that could possibly signify.

"What's this?" Timothy asked.

"It would seem." Arthur began, extending a lighter to Timothy's cigar and not giving him a choice as to whether or not he wanted to smoke it.

Timothy was more of a cigarette man than a cigar one but accepted anyway. His eyes narrowed as he listened to Arden continue.

"Congratulations are in order, _Father_." He smiled, taking a puff of his own cigar as Timothy still stared back at him suspiciously, wondering what this was about. "It would seem, that last summer, Sister Jude delivered a healthy baby girl…who happens to look very much like you."

Timothy stared back, trying to act as if he didn't know what the doctor was talking about, but Arden could see right through it.

"I have to wonder why Jude disappeared from here so mysteriously…even after what happened and now I know…she's a beautiful baby…" He pondered.

"Jude's child has nothing to do with me."

"Oh quite clearly, Father." Arden agreed, not making attempt to hide that he was being sarcastic.

"Look what do you want, if this is about the monsters you've created Dr. Arden…"

Arthur laughed. "It's really amazing." He remarked. "Spitting image….but full of innocence."

He'd taken a liking to newborn Olivia during his brief time with her, and like Mary Eunice, he was enamored with the girl's innocence despite despising both of her parents. He'd never admit that he thought Timothy was disgusting for abandoning the baby, but he would use the situation to his own advantage.

"What do you want?" He asked.

"That's better, _Daddy_." Arden smiled. "I'll forget about the baby thing…for a price."

Timothy nodded and picked up his briefcase, turning to leave without a word. Both already knew what the price for his silence was: Timothy's silence on Arthur's heinous experiments. Timothy paused at the door and put his head down, clutching the edge of the doorway.

"Arthur?"

"Hum?"

"What's the child's name?" He inquired, his head down. A small tear escaped his eye that he hoped no one would notice.

"Her name is Olivia."


	6. We Will Go

Ch 6- We Will Go

November 1969

"Stop!" Mary giggled. "Mark I'm not in the mood."

Mary was still upset about the start of snowfall, this time of year was rough on her but she made a promise to herself she would not take it out on her very lovely boyfriend: he had no part in her pain and didn't deserve to be hurt.

"Mark!" She giggled again as he began tickling her. "Stop it."

"Alright, alright. I'm sorry honey." Jude watched as the young man kissed her adoptive daughter sweetly on the lips.

They sat on the floor in front of the fire and Jude sat at the dining room table, paying bills. Olivia, who was still upset about her Dad, ran up and joined the couple, who had no problems with her disrupting their private time and instead welcomed her into their shared embrace.

"What you got there baby sister?" Mary inquired.

Jude spaced out as Olivia began to talk. Watching Mary and Mark care for Olivia together saddened her, it's what she and Timothy should have had. Timothy, who'd abandoned her, had actually been the best of her many boyfriends. He'd been the sweetest and most caring out of all of them, sometimes she didn't completely understand how he'd come to leave her or how they'd become lovers in the first place. She'd always known he was selfish, but it was only recently she was beginning to realize that there was more to it than that.

Many hours passed. The four of them had dinner and watched a movie that was on television. Olivia fell asleep toward the end of the film and Mary and Mark began to bid each other a good night. Jude floated into the dining room, beginning to rock Olivia, pretending that she wasn't asleep quiet yet. The truth was, the little girl was sound asleep, but Jude didn't want to leave the room. She couldn't help but just watch them together; observing their relationship. She was glad Mary had someone like this; she deserved it, and like most Mothers, she wanted her daughter to fair better than her. But Jude couldn't help note that their relationship was nothing like the one she'd had with Timothy or with any man. Mark was more than sweet, and caring, he was respectful.

"Can I stay the night?" She heard him whisper.

Jude knew that Mark had spent the night before. She wasn't thrilled about it, but she allowed it because she liked him, and because she thought the experience might do wonders in helping Mary Eunice grow beyond the tragedy that had befallen her at Briarcliff, six Christmases ago now. Besides, Olivia didn't notice.

"No." Mary whispered. "I can't tonight. I'm sorry."

"That's alright honey. And remember we find out the results of the contest at school tomorrow." He said excitedly.

"I know, I hope they pick us!" Mary and Mark's school was sending two students to an art convention in New York for a week and they both wanted to go desperately.

Mary smiled as Mark kissed her tenderly on the forehead and began to say good night to him as Jude left the room.

"Mommy." Olivia mumbled.

"No, no sweetheart, go ta sleep." She whispered.

Jude lye Olivia in bed and sat beside her as she started to tuck her in. She listened carefully as Mary said good night to Mark, noting how he didn't protest, how he took her no as no…several weeks earlier, Jude had finally realized that Timothy hadn't respected her. Her no's met yes, even when it came to things like sex...it struck her to hear Mark respond so sweetly and rationally to Mary saying no…and made her realize more than ever before; the bad place she'd been in with Timothy.

…

Jude used her lunch break, the next day, to go and do something very painful: go to the library and do a little research on sexual abuse. A couple of weeks earlier, it had crossed Jude's mind that Timothy's treatment of her while they were dating could've been considered abusive. Part of her believed this fully and another part of her thought it was ridiculous. Still, something inside of her nagged her to resolve the matter. Perhaps knowing the truth, one way or another, on this would help her finally move on from him. Jude was embarrassed by the book she picked up and put it inside of another book before beginning to flip through it.

'This is ridiculous.' She said to herself. 'He was yar boyfriend…he made dinners far ya, he brought ya flowers…he took ya on vacation… he didn't abuse ya…'

An ominous feeling came over Jude as she flipped through the book; it started in the back of her mind but crept down into the pit of her stomach. The more of this she read the less she could deny about how their relationship had really been. 'An abuser, particularly a sexual abuser,' the book said, 'might force a partner into sexual situations where they are uncomfortable or do not want to participate in the act.' Jude gulped, there was no getting around the fact that that was often the case with her and Timothy…He would often want to kiss her in places where they could easily be caught and it always made the bile rise up in her throat. It excited him and made her tremendously nervous, which he didn't care about.

And then there was sex its self….when he wanted to make love and she did not, the answer was always yes, but when it was the other way around and it didn't suit his interests, it was always no. This included the events that culminated in Olivia's conception: it had been a night where he had practically forced himself on her. Jude took a deep breath and continued reading; the book had a lot left to say.

'Abusers,' it said, 'often monitor how people spend their time.' Timothy always monitored how she spent her time: he was her boss in addition to being her lover, this one was hard to judge, in her opinion, even if they weren't involved, he probably would've been watching her closely.

'The goal of a sexual abuser.' It said, 'is to keep a person isolated and humiliated…' Jude put he book down and stared off into space for a moment. She knew that he almost always took credit for the work she did; and he did keep her tucked away. She wasn't sure about he humiliation part, until she remembered, a second time that afternoon, about how he had always wanted to get caught kissing her…that had been humiliating…Jude didn't have the heart to move on but she did.

'An abuser may try to get a partner to abort or otherwise give up a child the abuser does not want.'

Jude shut the book when she read this part, her heart pounding so fast that it almost leapt up into her throat. She thought she'd be sick. That was exactly what Timothy had done when he'd learned of her pregnancy, and it was the reason that Jude had such a difficult time being open with Olivia about the Father she wanted to know so badly: he simply had not wanted anything to do with her.

…

A few days later it was Veteran's Day, which met a random day off for Jude, Mary and Olivia. Mary Eunice and Mark went off to work on their art project, a painting they hoped would win them the trip to New York, and Jude took the rare opportunity to take Olivia out for the day. Olivia was excited about going to see a movie. Given that she was so young, this was something they'd done maybe once before in her life and she was not very experienced with it.

"Are we going cause I'm old enough now?" Olivia asked.

"Yap I think yar old enough now."

Jude had always expressed concern that movies were long and she didn't think Olivia had the capacity to sit still and just watch for that length of time. In actually, Jude had brought Olivia to the movies twice before, not once. The first time was when she was a tiny baby. Jude, Mary and Olivia had gone to see some film, just because they really needed to get out of the house. Jude didn't even know what it was, but would admit to you it was a romantic comedy. Tiny Olivia had sat perfectly still on her Mother's lap throughout the film and just watched. It was Jude who had cried her eyes out, almost hysterically, over the film. She didn't like to think about it or admit it to anyone.

Jude was nervous about this movie, just like she was about the first one they saw, only, this was the only thing playing now. The subject matter was more than awkward for Jude. The film, _Change of Habit_, was about a nun considering leaving the church for a doctor that she met. Jude wondered what was going through Olivia's head as they sat there, knowing she was just old enough to compare the film to what she knew of her parent's relationship, which had of course resulted in her existence. Jude was surprised that the movie didn't affect her more deeply than it did and assumed that she was growing cold or maybe getting over it.

"Mommy?" Olivia asked carefully as they left the theatre.

"Yes my angel."

"Mommy was it like that with you and my Daddy?"

Jude paused. She wanted to say yes but more complicated because we were both part of the church, but Jude caught herself. She may've told Olivia her Father was a Priest, but she'd never told her she'd been a nun. That she would keep secret for a little while longer.

"Kind of and no at the same time." She said.

"Huh?"

"Well…" Jude didn't know how to say this without making a fuller confession about her former life, something she was not ready to discuss with a five-year-old child. "Well ya know how in the movie they just met…and they knew they liked each other but…but she wanted to leave the church, ta marry him?"

"Uh-huh."

"Well, with yar Fathah and me…well Olivia it wasn't that way. We knew each other a long time, and were good friends but we didn't do the right thing…we didn't wait, and he never left the church."

"Oh…"

Olivia didn't know how to describe it, but: she felt cheap. She'd already known her Father hadn't left the church for her Mother, or for her, but somehow the movie made her understand this all much better. And it hurt. Jude felt bad, she could tell that Olivia was mulling this all over in her little head and was worried now that she was very confused.

"Mommy I don't wanna do it."

"Do what?"

"The dumb Daddy project." She pouted.

"I know ya don't honey."

"Can I do it about Mark?" She asked.

"If he married Mary Eunice he wouldn't be like a Fathah or an Uncle, he'd be a big brother. She'll say no, but, ask yar teacher tomorrow, okay?"

"Okay…Mommy?" Olivia asked, swallowing a small lump in her throat.

"Yes."

"Can we go to the park now?"

"Sure."

Jude sat down on a bench as she watched Olivia run to the slides, her heart sunk and she felt like the worst Mother in the world. She sat and watched Olivia closely as she played with the other children, noting the little girl was all Timothy today, both in looks and charm even her essence seemed to be his and she wondered in that moment, how he could've refused such a beautiful gift.

….

The Next Day

"Jude, could you come here for a minute?"

Jude looked up when she heard her boss call her name. She paused momentarily, looking down at the ringing phone and deciding to just let it go.

"David, the phone is ringing…" She reminded him.

"It's alright Jude, Betsy will get it, or Dan will get it or someone…you and I have to talk, sit down." He urged.

"Oh?" Jude was nervous when he said this.

"I took a new case this morning, against the Catholic Church and Briarcliff Manor." Jude looked back up at him, her eyes widening.

"Yeah I know Jude I-I thought of you too. And I see you as a conflict of interest."

"D-do ya think I'll have ta testify?"

"I don't know yet. Probably…"

"Probably, David, I ran the place!" He sighed seeing that his friend and favorite employee was beginning to panic.

"Look your job is safe, you know that we all love you here…you can continue to work on the Simmons case and a couple of others but..."

"I wanted the place torn down!"

"I know you did. And if you testify I will ask you about that."

"W-who do ya have, who do ya have so far far witnesses?"

David sighed, knowing he shouldn't be talking about this. He put his glasses back on and started going through his notes. He respected Jude enough to tell her the truth and trusted her not to tip anyone off.

"Let's see…an Arthur Arden." Jude' heart sunk, knowing immediately what this was about. "And oh, Timothy Howard, he's cardinal of New York now…he'll be tough to get to."

Jude didn't know exactly why but her heart begin to pound audibly in her ears when he said Timothy's name. She knew both would be summoned to the office where she worked, eventually.

"Y-yes he will." Jude said, hoping she wasn't shaking now.

"Look Jude I wouldn't worry, even if you end up being a witness you won't be prosecuted…but the two of them are going to be, at least, Dr. Arden definitely will be…"

"What about Timothy?" She asked quickly, feeling shamed once she realized that old instincts had kicked in and she felt the need to protect him.

"Maybe, maybe not. Jude are you alright? I understand this is a lot to wrap your head around."

"It comes as a surprise." In some ways it really didn't.

"For now, if you want, take some time off…take a break, take Olivia on a vacation over the holidays…you've never done that Jude."

"W-what happens here, if I become a witness?"

"Paid administrative leave. Plain and simple. Please don't worry about it. For now, take a few extra days off for Thanksgiving, and by the time that you come back…early December, I should have figured out what is going on…"

"Okay." Jude got up, shaking as she turned to return to her desk.

"Jude…"

"Yes." She paused in the doorway.

"There's no reason to be afraid."

"I know."

"Jude…do you have a way to find Timothy Howard?"

….

Jude was nervous when she went home that night. She did not want to find her ex-lover for her boss. Something about it was just, unsavory. No matter what he'd done to her, she could not do something like that to him. He had been the greatest love of her life. Aside from that, she was trying to move on, bringing him into the picture for any reason, was out of the question.

Jude took comfort in her Olivia that evening. Mother and daughter got over their emotional impasse from the previous day and had continued on with their usual routine, both not wanting to interrupt it even though Jude was worried and Olivia was disappointed. She'd approached her teacher first thing that morning; with the idea of using Mark for her Father project and she'd very curtly denied the request saying that big sister's boyfriends weren't Fathers…

By this time, Jude had just put Olivia in her bath and was sitting on the floor looking at a magazine as the girl played with some of her toys. The two were stressed and actually bath time was a good way to unwind for them both.

"What do ya say about not going ta school far a couple a days?"

"Really Mommy!" Olivia was at once excited.

"Really….I…"

"Jude! Jude!" Mary cried, running into the bathroom, she was clearly extremely excited.

"What, what happened?" She asked, at first thinking that something was wrong.

"Jude we won, Mark and I get to go to New York!"

"Oh congratulations Mary Eunice! I'm so proud of ya!" Jude cried. "That's wonderful, isn't it Olivia?" Olivia simply clapped, deciding at the end to throw a kiss to her sister.

"Mommy can I go too?!" Olivia squealed.

"Oh Olivia I…" Jude thought they'd spend her vacation time at home together and get an early jump on preparing for Christmas.

"Please!"

"Now why would ya wanna do that?"

"I wanna go ta the Mass."

"The Mass?" Jude asked. Mary Eunice watched carefully, thinking she understood what the girl was speaking of.

"Just one time. I wanna see my Daddy just one time, even if he doesn't see me, I wanna see him."

It amazed Jude that she still wanted to see Timothy so much after all the crying she had done over him. Jude sighed, wanting so much to say know, but she understood all too well, the tug at a little girl's heart when she wanted to know a Father who did not want her. Jude could barely remember her Father, but she at least had a face for the name: her own little girl did not. Jude sighed, looking up at Mary Eunice.

"Oh Olivia…"

"Please, maybe he'll help me with my project."

Jude hung her head, crushed that this crossed her child's mind. She didn't understand after all, did she?

"Sweetheart…"

"Please…I know I won't see him see him. But I just…I…" Olivia hung her head, beginning to pout.

"Alright." Jude said, taking her daughter's chin and lifting her face to meet her gaze. "We will go."


	7. Be My Baby

Ch 7- Be My Baby

November 23rd, 1963

Jude wiped away tears with the back of her hand. Tumult hung in the air and she switched the radio station a third time, hoping to hear something on the radio that wasn't related to the assassination. Timothy was gravely upset about it: he'd held such hope in having a Catholic president. She thought President Kennedy's achievements secretly reminded him of his own goal of becoming the first Anglo-American Pope. In truth, Jude was upset about the President's death as well, who wouldn't be, but her own big problems hung over her head and listening to details of the President's murder only made her feel more nauseated than she already did. Jude's hand shook as she turned the radio dial again.

'Thank God." She muttered. "Finally music instead of news." That was of course, before she realized what the song was.

_"Be my, by baby, be my little baby, my one and only…"_

Jude shut it off immediately, cringing upon hearing the word baby. It was the last thing she wanted to think about right then. But that's exactly why she was there, driving alone in the snow. Jude had suspected for days now, that she was pregnant, but she kept dismissing the symptoms. She'd been told it was impossible. It was only yesterday; upon word of the President's death that her nausea had become relentless and she'd struggled to hide it from Timothy. Now that she couldn't ignore it, she'd decided that seeing a doctor was the best recourse. So she'd woken up early, gotten in her car and snuck away from Briarcliff without anyone noticing she'd left: and she hoped it would stay that way.

Jude drove about forty miles west, to a place where no one would have any idea who she was. She was nervous as she got out of the car, trying to convince herself that it wasn't pregnancy, it was probably just a flu, it was getting to be that time of year. Jude couldn't deny that her heart fluttered at the thought that she might be…it would be so exciting, and a chance for a new life…another part shuddered at the thought because she wasn't sure if Timothy would be on cloud nine like she was, or if he'd be furious with her.

…

"Are ya sure?" Jude had suspected it. It's why she'd snuck away and come here in the first place, but she didn't think she'd ever believed, until now, what she could feel was true. Now, upon hearing the news, her heartbeat a mile a minute and she thought she was about to faint. "I-I…"

"Are you unhappy about this?" The Doctor asked.

"No, no just…just surprised. Are ya sure?" She asked again, somehow still doubtful.

"Yes. You are pregnant."

Jude's heart leapt even when the Doctor said this a second time, her shock and fear seeming to fade. Somehow, her mind let go of all doubt when she climbed back into the car and began the long drive back to Briarcliff. This was not ever supposed to happen; and best of all, it had happened with Timothy! Jude knew she couldn't have wanted this with anyone she'd ever known more than she did with Timothy.

"Hello." She whispered, pressing her hand against herself, biting her lip as she smiled. Jude sniffled, tears coming to her eyes, she didn't know what else to say to her unborn child. "Yar very special ta Mommy." She informed. "A-and I'll love ya farever."

…

November 1969

Looking back, Jude realized that even then she'd known Timothy would decide not to be involved and that she and the baby would have each other. Of course, at the time, she'd chosen not to believe that, and she'd also not known that Mary Eunice would be such a big part of their lives…or that her life would change dramatically on that day too.

Jude watched her daughters carefully from her place in the corner of their cabin. Jude, the girls and Mark were taking the train from Boston to New York, and had a private cabin to themselves. Olivia sat on Mary's lap as the former nun read her adoptive baby sister a book on art that she'd brought along. Jude smiled, happy that her girls had not only survived what befell them, but flourished. Mary Eunice became a happy, secure young woman, against all odds, and Olivia…well Olivia was what Jude thought was a happy little girl. Or at least, she had been until all these questions about her Father had started.

"Nervous?" Mark asked.

"Hmmm, what oh, Mark." Jude laughed, she hadn't noticed him speak for a second or two and had just continued staring at Olivia and Mary. "Oh of course I'm nervous." She said quietly where Olivia could not hear.

Mark smiled sadly. "I-I'm here Jude, for whatever either of you need."

"Thank ya Mark, yar such a sweetheart."

"My pleasure." He blushed.

…

"I'll never forget when I was finally brave enough to ask you." Mary Eunice reflected, looking in the mirror as she put her earrings in.

"Ask me what?" Jude asked.

They'd gotten to their hotel suite an hour before and Jude and Mary Eunice were just settling in. Mark had taken Olivia to get dinner for all of them, they'd decided on pizza from a place he'd loved when he'd lived in New York several years before.

"When I was finally brave enough to ask you…well who the Father was."

"Oh I remember…"

"You were so scared Jude."

"I was." She reflected, wiping away a tear.

"No tears. You're stronger than this."

"Mary am I making the wrong decision in letting her see him: she's just going to get crushed."

"No Jude. It's the best of decisions."

"You think so?"

"Yes. I remember it clear as day I asked you and you paused and you just looked at me and slowly you got up the courage to say 'she's the Monsignor's baby…' that Timothy, is her Dad…well, it's true Jude. Timothy is her Dad. And if she needs to learn the hard truth about him, and she needs to learn it this early; better it be him to teach it than you."

Jude looked up as Mary walked to the other side of the room. This was probably the most profound thing the former nun had said or ever would say. Jude was right; it was a valuable lesson about truth, and facing unfortunate facts…one that she did not have to teach. God knew; she'd had a hard enough time learning those things herself.

"Thank you Mary Eunice."

"Are you okay?"

"I just…I keep thinkin'…I keep thinkin' he's going to walk through that door and kiss me…that he's going to come and play Daddy like nothin' ever happened…"

"Jude…."

"Fargive me I'm sorry…I just…I did l-love him and-and I know what its like ta be that little girl without a Father and…and I never wanted that far my child it kills me. "At least…at least she's got a big sister and clothes, and food…and a nice place ta live…I never had those things."

"Jude."

"Hum?"

Mary smiled.

"She has a real wonderful Mommy too."

…

November 23rd, 1963

Jude felt herself becoming hungry as she started preparing dinner for Timothy. She snacked on a piece of celery as she chopped the vegetables, wondering if she'd been ignoring food cravings like she'd been trying to ignore morning sickness. Tonight was going to have been another coq au vin night, it was Timothy's favorite, but because of the baby, she wanted to keep from putting so much wine, and there was a lot of it in that dish, in her system.

Instead she'd come up with what she thought was a sweet idea. They would have baby everything that night: little celery, little potatoes, and so forth. She'd still give Timothy his wine, and like on most night's she'd refuse to drink it and he would try to convince her, but this time, she would refuse for the best of reasons.

Jude could feel herself smiling brightly as she cooked, she felt like nothing could wipe the happiness from her face or the love from her eyes. It seemed emanate from somewhere deep inside, if anyone else had been around, they would've told her that she was just glowing that afternoon: seeming to be overflowing with love and hope and peace….and in a way they would not be able to put their finger on. Jude enjoyed harboring her little secret safe inside, but also couldn't wait to share the news with Timothy.

"Do ya think Daddy will be surprised?" She giggled, asking the baby under her breath. She couldn't afford to let anyone hear her.

The baby of course, could not reply even with a kick yet. It was too tiny, but hope for the future swelled within her heart at the thought that it was there. Jude picked up an olive off the counter and bit into it, finding it rich and nourishing even in just the first taste of it. Olives were a healthy food; they were born from the olive branch, one of the world's foremost symbols of peace. Jude smiled at this new idea as she snacked, liking the idea of bringing peace into her child's life from the beginning: something she thought Timothy would agree with.

"How would you like ta be Olivia Howard?" She asked. Jude loved the sound of that.

….

Olivia looked up at her Mother as she took her hand. The girl squeezed her Mother's hand tightly, comforted by her firm, but caring grasp. Olivia was nervous about church and what would happen there. Mommy had said there'd be no guarantee that he'd even be there. Cardinals were important and sometimes needed to leave town to attend to business elsewhere. While afraid, Olivia hoped he would be there: he had to be, it was such a long way to come and she knew Mommy would never let her do it again. Olivia felt her heart sink and her stomach begin to hurt the moment they'd left the hotel. The family walked in solace, each of them seemed full of dread because they all knew what was going to happen. Somehow though, Olivia held out some hope: she had to.

Jude was crushed; she'd wanted her daughter to represent hope and peace, not just in name but in everything she did. But she didn't want her to blindly believe a lie either. Jude looked down at Olivia, not understanding who couldn't love her, she was so beautiful and adorable, the most perfect little girl she'd ever seen and the image of Timothy too. It was overwhelmingly sad.

"Do you know what you're going to say?" Mary Eunice whispered to Jude once the service began.

Jude did not reply. She wasn't sure and had yet to even see Timothy. She looked over at Olivia who hung her head, not looking around at all.

"It's alright my sweetheart." Jude whispered. "Look up, participate in the service, and I'll tell ya when I see him."

'If, if you see him." Olivia wanted to correct.

Olivia's heart was pounding and she felt nauseated when it seemed to drop into her stomach. She buried her face in her Mother's side, and Jude, knowing she was scared, wrapped her arm tightly around her.

"Shu, shu, Olivia it'll be alright. It's okay."

Olivia didn't know what she was more afraid of: his not being there, or seeing him and being rejected by him. Both were possibilities, and even at five-years-old, she understood that she was going to have to live with one of them. She wished she would've listened to Mommy and stopped asking about this man, and that instead of coming to church, she'd taken Mark up on his offer to go somewhere fun and far less frightening.

"Olivia baby." Jude whispered. "I know yar scared but look up. I see yar Daddy."

You could hear laughter in Jude's voice when she said this, even now she could not look at him without smiling: and she was deeply ashamed for it. But, love filled Jude's heart upon seeing him and for a moment she remembered how wonderful that love had been. Her heart skipped a beat as she watched him on the other side of the room, getting ready to greet parishioners on their way out the Church doors….she thought he looked wonderful, dressed the part of a Cardinal, like she always knew he would. She found herself staring back at him, not realizing she wished he'd see her.

"Mommy." Olivia tugged on her Mother's skirt. Olivia was clearly shaken and held her arms open for her. Jude smiled and picked her up, placing her on her hip.

"It's alright angel." She whispered. The service was ending now and Jude felt freer to talk to her daughter about the real reason why they were there.

Olivia felt horribly nervous, like she was going to throw up, she hated that feeling more than anything in the world, and she didn't understand why her Mother was just beaming.

"See the man back there, wearin' the red cloak, and the red hat?"

"Uh-huh." Olivia began to suck her thumb. Jude pat the girl's stomach gently, trying to be of comfort.

Mary Eunice and Mark could see that Olivia was apprehensive, and that Jude had fallen back into old patterns, as she was just staring at Timothy. The young couple was nervous about where all this was going to go.

"That's yar Daddy." Jude told her.

Olivia gulped, taking a moment to watch her Father from a distance. Her heart leapt in hope for a moment and began to speed up. She noticed so many things about him in those few moments that it was difficult for her mind to take it all in. Chiefly thought, Olivia saw herself. She didn't know if that made a few things make more sense or if it simply shook her to the core.

Olivia remained silent and just sat there on her Mother's hip, watching him as he greeted the flood of people leaving the service.

"Would ya like to go and say hi?" Jude asked, tucking her daughter's hair behind her ear.

"What will we say?"

"I'll say hello, and that this is my daughter, Olivia."

"You-you won't tell him…"

"He will know who ya are. Do ya wanna go up there, baby?"

"Okay." She nodded, whispering her answer apprehensively.

Olivia's heart thundered in her ears as her mother began to walk toward the door, the sound drowning out the noise of the crowd. She continued sucking on her fingers, her fear escalating with each step her mother took. Jude watched Timothy carefully as she walked toward him: nothing about him had changed. There he stood, gleefully greeting people without a care in the world…and here she was with this fragile, little responsibility on her hip: and she was her sole protector. Jude paused even in the midst of the crowd, causing Mary and Mark, who followed close in tow to run right into her and stop too.

"Are ya alright?" Jude asked her little girl, brushing her hair away from her eyes and looking carefully into her face. Olivia shook her head no. "Are ya scared?" She nodded. "We don't' have ta do this if ya don't want ta, angel." Olivia, who continued to suck her thumb, turned around in her Mother's arms, facing Mary and Mark…effectively turning her back on her Father.

Jude paused and looked back at him. He'd yet to notice her and for her, looking at him…well for a moment it had been like there was no one else in the room. Now, holding their little girl, she had to remember, again, all he'd put her through. She'd been in love again for a moment, but she couldn't justify this or excuse it.

"Olivia." Mark whispered. "Let's go get the special treat I offered you, okay? Some ice cream and something fun to play with."

Olivia nodded. She was miserable and deeply confused. She felt relief upon deciding not to see her Father, but at the same time, her heart was filled with this sense of great longing that she could not understand and she wanted to cry. The treat would be comforting, getting away would stop her angst but nothing could replace seeing her Daddy, even if he didn't want to see her. Jude felt similarly, a single tear started running down her cheek as she turned away from the Father of her child, wishing things could have been different.

"It's alright sweet baby." Jude whispered, kissing her daughter as hate for Timothy Howard filled her heart once again. "Mommy's got you."

Jude, Olivia, Mary and Mark made their way out of the church through its big wooden doors as quickly as they could, which proved difficult with so many people trying to do the same.

At this time, Timothy was talking to a group of people when someone in the crowd caught his eye…'is that…is that Jude, walking this way?' He thought. His heart began to speed up and he frantically started to think about what she might be doing there. Was she there to blackmail him, to edge him out of his place as Cardinal? Part of him didn't care about that: if only it were her. A bigger part of him longed for it to be her. He didn't know if he regretted the decisions he'd made in the past, but he missed her so much he ached inside.

Timothy continued his conversation, but watched carefully as the woman approached. Before he'd only seen the top of her head, but as she came closer, he became sure it was Jude. Timothy had the urge to bolt from his place and go to her, but restrained himself. How would it look? A lump developed in his throat as she came into full view, and he saw a small child's arms wrapped around her neck. He choked, finding it difficult to swallow, and stared as they walked past him.

"Cardinal, Cardinal?" The woman he was speaking to tried to get his attention. She was a very important New York socialite who did not like to be kept waiting.

"Oh, oh I'm sorry." He turned back to her. "I thought I saw someone I knew."

Timothy couldn't help but look up again, catching Jude as she walked out the door. He was overwhelmed not just by the presence he longed for in her, but his heart pounded in his ears at the sight of his daughter. He'd never seen her before because he hadn't wanted the chance: and now he was almost entranced by her.

The little girl's chin rested on her Mother's shoulder and she faced back toward him, only her gaze wasn't directed at him, it was focused concretely the floor, almost as if she were intent not to look at him. He couldn't help but note that the child looked so sweet and so very sad too. The room was filled with families, particularly fathers and daughters for some reason, and here she was without one….

He finally swallowed the nervous lump in his throat and exhaled. 'Oh my God, that's my child and she's beautiful…' He realized. Timothy felt tears come to his eyes as he watched his former lover and their child walk out the door.

Timothy found himself panic inside the moment they left; as if it hadn't hit him before that they were walking away. "Please, j-just excuse me for a minute!"

There was uproar from the line waiting to talk to him when Timothy excused himself and hurried out the door. He rushed down the street as discretely as he could, not realizing until after a few minutes, that he had no idea which way they'd gone. He sighed, catching his breath, his heart-hanging heavy when he realized he'd lost his chance.


	8. Flesh and Blood, Part 1

Ch 8- Flesh and Blood, Part 1

Timothy chastised himself for just letting his flesh and blood walk out the door. His mind whirled as he went back to his duties at church that morning…after six years of pain and regret; he'd finally laid eyes on his child. His child. It took everything in him to not break down or give in to panic as he finished greeting churchgoers. He was flustered, afraid and very overwhelmed. More than anything though he knew he hadn't had enough. He needed to meet his daughter face to face.

After the service was completely over, he was obliged to go to a long lunch with other church officials but canceled, citing personal reasons. Instead, he went home, back to his lonely, cold cardinal's mansion, locked himself in his private office, and in all haste jumped on the telephone.

"Donald. Yes I know it's Sunday but it's an emergency." Timothy employed a private investigator for a variety of reasons. Olivia was one of them. "Donald I saw my daughter. She's in the city, and you need to find her."

…

November 1963

Mary Eunice was apprehensive about her assignment for that evening. Part of her was sure that it was wrong: it had to be. She wanted to ask Jude but she was not around, and for that matter she was in a strangely blitheful mood, one that was so atypical of her it almost scared Mary Eunice. The young nun looked down at the paper once again, reaching up to scratch her head as she turned it over. She'd never been asked to do this before and the idea shook her to the core.

That night she was supposed to take meals to the most dangerous of their inmates…the ones who were not safe enough to roam within the general population and were kept locked up and alone twenty four hours a day, seven days a week, three-hundred and sixty-five days a year. Usually, this was Sister Chastity's job, but she had fallen ill with strep throat, leaving her fellow sisters to do her work in her absence. Mary sighed, afraid to go and do this but decided not to question her assignment. It seemed that Jude was rarely so happy and she didn't want to disturb the older nun's moments of peace with what was probably a stupid question.

Mary shook as she walked down the isolation ward's dark hallway. All of Briarcliff was dark and dreary but this place most especially. It wasn't just dark but almost pitch black even in the brightest of day. It was snowing heavily and the place was freezing cold. Rats roamed the hall openly and dwelled within the cells themselves.

"Eeek!" Mary screeched as she felt one scurry across her foot.

Her little scream caught the attention of one particular inmate and his ears perked up. He peered out the hole in his cell door, focusing intently on the young nun as she approached. Several weeks earlier he'd attained a makeshift key capable of opening his cell door. He could've used it to escape but being the kind of man he was he had decided that he'd rather lay in wait undetected, and pounce on the right victim rather than go on a rampage throughout the asylum or just simply run away.

Without making a sound he turned the key and stuck his fingers in the side of the door, prying it open just a smidge like he'd been practicing. He smiled as Mary stumbled in the dark. She could barely see her way and clutched the sides of the food cart both for comfort and guidance. She could not tell where she was going; but the cart was wide and took up most of the space in the hall. She kept a hand on it at all times to keep from getting lost.

'It's not that bad Mary.' She told herself. By now she'd slipped several meals through the mail sized slots in the doors with no trouble but was still nervous. 'It'll be alright why shouldn't it be alright?' She tried to calm herself as she came to the third door.

Mary Eunice reached across the cart to grab one of the plates, not noticing the door behind her was open askew. She picked up one of the dishes and turned to slip it through the door when she felt something grab her arm, squeezing her tightly.

"Ahhh let go!" She screamed, trying to pull away, she ran into the cart and stubbed her toe but continued to pull away.

The force pulled back and she continued to resist, clutching the cart for aid once again. It tipped over in the midst of her struggle and she fell to the ground with it. For a moment she was able to crawl away and thought she was about to break free, but the hand reached out of the door again and grabbed her by the ankle.

"No, no please!" Mary began to kick and cry. But the force was too strong, almost otherworldly.

"Help! Help! Somebody help me please! Nooooo!" She screamed at the top of her lungs as the patient pulled her back into his cell by her ankles, her screams snuffed out by the slamming of the door.

…..

"Yar starvin' aren't ya?" Jude asked her unborn child quietly as she rubbed her stomach. Jude hummed as she cooked, the dinner was almost ready and her mouth was practically watering.

Jude was getting so excited now as the time was nearing for Timothy to arrive and for her to tell him her news. She couldn't wait to see how he would react or what he would say. More than anything she hoped he'd ask her to marry him. She was, after all, going to have his baby. Jude didn't want to think too much about any of this and continued to hum as she put the finishing touches on the dinner.

She did not see Timothy come in the room behind her and smile. Even from behind he couldn't help but observe that she was simply beautiful and he spent a few moments studying her as he crept up behind her, waiting to surprise her. He couldn't wait to tell her his own news. He was finally going to become Cardinal and he knew she'd be so proud of him and so delighted about the places they were both going to go because of it.

He smiled a crooked smile as he continued to creep up behind her, hoping to take her completely by surprise. He noted that she was totally invested in her own little world and sung softly as she cooked, her hips swaying back and forth. He wondered what it was she had to be so happy about and very quietly began humming too, following along to the cadence of her voice.

"Ahhh!" Jude screamed, feeling a pair of arms wrap around her waist and pull her in close.

"Jude it's me, it's just me!" He laughed, kissing her neck as he held her tightly, rocking her now in just the way she'd been swaying before.

"Oh! Oh! Timothy!" Her heart quickened as she turned to see him, he still held her within his grasp.

"Hello sweetheart." He greeted, kissing her lips softly.

"Hello." She practically whispered, rubbing her nose against his.

"What smells so good?" He asked, already knowing what it was. The smell had greeted him down the hall and made him feel so welcome and content.

"It's yar favorite." She giggled, turning back to the dinner that simmered on the stove.

"No, no this is my favorite." He continued, kissing her neck, causing her to laugh. "I have a surprise for you Jude."

"Mmmm." Jude sighed and just melted into him as he held her from behind. She relished the feeling of his embrace and had never in her life felt so whole or so safe anywhere else. "I have a surprise far ya too my Timothy."

"That's wonderful. I love your surprises."

Timothy kissed her neck as he gripped her sides with his hands, his left palm ending up on her stomach. Jude reached down and pat his hand as it rested against the little secret he did not yet know of.

…

"Come now Jude." He smiled at her. An hour or so had passed and they were finally sitting down to dinner. "Have some wine with me tonight. I know you rarely do but; it's the night for it. I have a big surprise."

"W-what's yar surprise?" She asked, eyeing her wine glass nervously as he poured some for her.

Normally she didn't drink because she was a recovered alcoholic, which, he knew, and now, well now she couldn't drink at all because of the baby.

"Don't you want to go first with yours?" He asked. He was dying to know what it was and presumed that his news, being more important, should come second.

"Um…Oh no Timothy I, I think I'd better go second." He raised an eyebrow at this, wondering why she was being so particular. He was nervous now.

"I-it is good news, isn't it?"

"Oh yes, or at least I-I think it is." She admitted shyly. "What about yars is it good news?"

"I think it's the best of news. Jude. I've been appointed Cardinal of New York!"

"Oh…" Jude paused, looking down. This was not what she had expected.

"It's finally going to happen, everything we've worked for! You and me, my right hand Jude…isn't it wonderful?!"

"Yes…" She was nervous now and hoped it didn't show. She watched him carefully; he was so excited, almost jubilant, he didn't even notice how upset she was becoming.

"Here, have a drink with me I…" He insisted again.

"No…"

"Jude, we have so much to celebrate…it's just you and me and you know I'll take care of you if things get out of hand. I always…"

"No I can't have any alcohol Timothy." She said firmly, her eyes filling with tears, but he still didn't notice.

"Sweetheart, what's…wrong? Are you alright, why can't you…"

"I've…I've got yar baby inside me Timothy."

"W-what-my what?" He asked, she watched as his face fell and he quickly turned ghostly white.

"I'm…I'm pregnant." She admitted quietly, looking up at him, a little bit of hope in her eyes. He stared straight ahead as she continued. "I'm having yar baby."

She was devastated; this was not how she'd wanted to tell him. Her heart sank into her stomach and she felt like she was going to be ill when she realized he didn't agree about her news being wonderful. She was over the moon happy with her news and he was simply mortified by it. She watched him take a deep breath to try to calm himself: realizing that if anything, he was in the middle of making alternate plans. Timothy stared back for a moment before speaking, overwhelmed by what she'd said, his disbelief slowly, but visibly turning to anger.

"You're WHAT?!" He questioned, his eyes flashing as he tried not to yell.

He wasn't just angry, he was truly livid…now was not the time for _this_ there would never be a time for…._this_. A baby was simply not part of the plan they had made, in fact it wasn't supposed to have even been a consideration: being Cardinal was the whole plan.

"I'm having a baby." She said again, tears pouring down her cheeks now. Jude felt lost and pathetic, she was almost begging him to care about her and the child she carried.

"H-how did this happen?!" He demanded curtly, throwing his napkin on the table. Jude gulped, it was obvious to her that he was preparing to get up and leave.

"How do ya think it happened?" She snapped. "I'm not the one who likes ta forget his condoms Timothy."

"You told me you could not get pregnant." He practically growled, looking at her through narrowed, hateful eyes.

"Well I guess it must just be a miracle." She spat sarcastically. She really did think her baby was a miracle.

"Yes, some miracle." He sneered, taking a sip of his wine as she began to cry. "I think we're done here Jude…" He said, getting up from the table. Jude looked back at him hopelessly, wondering what he aimed to do.

"How can ya be so cruel?!" She sobbed. "This is yar child too! Don't act like ya didn't have anything ta do with this!" She was crushed but starting to get angry now.

"The church is no place for a pregnant nun…or a bastard child." He explained; Jude's eyes widening. "I expect you to be out by morning."

"Out?" She asked through her tears.

"Yes. You will leave Briarcliff and resign from the church first thing in the morning." He said calmly, it was obvious to Jude that he'd totally disconnected from her emotionally; something about the tone of his voice made her feel so alone and afraid that she thought her heart might stop and she might just cease to be.

"Timothy…w-would ya really throw out yar child and his Mother…out in the cold, with nowhere ta go?" Jude asked, sniffling. She turned around and looked out the window, noting the snow seemed to be falling faster by the moment.

"In the morning Jude…it's best for everyone involved." He reassured calmly. He put his chin up, trying to avoid her gaze as she rose and made her way toward him.

"You selfish, cowardly, spineless son of a bitch!" Jude cried.

She pushed him once and began punching his chest. Timothy grabbed her wrists to keep her from hitting him. She continued her screaming as she tried to wiggle away from his grasp.

"How dare you do this to me, you and you're blind ambition! Don't touch me!" She warned, pulling away finally. "Who are you ta throw yar own child away; ta throw him out in the cold, with no way ta survive?" Jude was sobbing and began hitting him again.

Timothy didn't flinch and just looked down at her as she went insane on him, doing his best to act as if none of this affected him. She was devastated; not just because her lover was throwing her out, but because like its Mother before her; her child was also going to have been thrown out by its Father without a care.

"I was never anything ta you was I? Just a piece a flesh…until ya got me pregnant…and then I'm just trash! Expendable like everything else that doesn't fit in yar perfect plan Monsignor…oh or should I say Cardinal…Mr. Holier than thou..."

Without another word Timothy struck her across the face with the back of his hand. She closed her eyes tightly and gasped, reaching up to caress her cheek; which burned in pain from both the slap and her tears.

"Oh my Timothy…why did ya have ta do that?" She whispered, still holding her face as she began to back away from him.

Throwing her out was one thing: it was her Father all over again…but hitting her…hitting her was all Casey…and she'd forever be devastated that the man she'd loved so much had stooped that low…she didn't think he'd had it in him.

"Jude I…I…" Timothy was in shock, also surprised that he'd hit her. He scrambled quickly to explain himself, or even to apologize but he didn't get a chance before the door flung open.

"Sister Jude, Sister Jude it's…"

The young nun who entered the room paused and looked around for a split second, eyeing the scene before her carefully, and taking note that it was very odd Sister Jude and the Monsignor were dining by candlelight…that a chair was turned over, that she was crying, her face red with more than just tears. She said nothing and continued with the more urgent news she had to report.

"Sister Jude, you must come quickly! It's Sister Mary Eunice it's urgent…I'm afraid she's in the infirmary…she's been raped."

…..

"Look what he's done ta ya my baby." Jude whispered, brushing her hand over Mary's face as she cried. Jude had rushed from her room to Mary Eunice's side, not even bothering to look back at Timothy a final time before she left.

Mary continued to sob, as she looked up at Jude, too devastated to acknowledge her happiness that she was there. In light of what had happened, even this most comforting of company seemed fleeting. Mary was traumatized and in horrible pain; in the moment she wished she hadn't survived the ordeal.

"Jude…" Mary cried weakly.

"Shu, shu don't try ta talk." She said, resting her forehead against Mary's very gently. "It's alright, it's okay. Ya deserve so much more than this Mary Eunice. Ya don't need ta be here anymore, not after this. Ya have no place here."

"No Jude I…" Mary's tears grew stronger; she was now afraid Jude was going to throw her out.

"We're gonna leave tagether, you and I and start a whole new life." She soothed, running her fingers gently through Mary's hair.  
"Huh?" Mary Eunice couldn't voice it but she couldn't understand why Jude would want to leave Briarcliff.

"Mary Eunice, I'm pregnant." She whispered.

"W-w…?" Mary's eyes widened as she stared back up at her mentor, a look of confusion coupled with sheer horror played on her face.

"I'm gonna have a baby." Jude sniffled, her lips slowly forming into a smile.

"Were you…you…." Mary was afraid; thinking she'd been raped too.

"No, no I was doin' something wrong. Somethin' very wrong, with a man who I thought loved me." Jude confessed, pressing her forehead against Mary's.

"Oh Jude…" Mary cried she raised her bloodied, bruised arms as best she could and hugged Jude tightly.

Mary thought it would hurt to hug her, but was surprised to find that despite the physical pain, she felt safer in Jude's arms than not and without a word she gripped the older nun's shoulders and began to sob.

"It was so scary!" She wailed. "It was…"

"Shu…" Jude soothed, shushing her as Mary's cries became incomprehensible. Jude appreciated her hug and didn't pull away; instead she began rocking the younger nun, preparing to try to put her to sleep.

"Ya listen ta me." Jude sniffled. "Yar the same Mary Eunice ya always were, do ya understand?" She felt Mary Eunice nod hurriedly against her embrace. "Yar pure of heart and soul, and mind and spirit and even body. Don't ever let a man, no matter what he's done ta ya, change who ya are." Jude swallowed her tears.

Mary began to cry harder again when she said this; she was in so much pain and felt so completely violated she didn't know if she'd ever feel whole ever again…or if she even wanted to try. She'd been raped by the asylum's most violent, destainable criminal…and she'd been the asylum's most innocent person. She felt deeply changed and deeply effected.

"Ya and I are going ta move on and find a new life. Would you like that?" Jude asked, and again, felt Mary nod against her shoulder. Jude smiled in spite her own pain and began to run her fingers through Mary's hair. "You will take care of me, and I will take care of you."

"Sister…" Dr. Arden called from the doorway.

Jude turned to look at him, still holding Mary tight. She'd never seen Dr. Arden so dismayed. She'd always been skeptical about his feelings toward Mary Eunice, but now she saw that he had been sincere all along: he really did care for her a lot, and in the purest of ways. Jude watched as he stood in the doorway, his eyes cast toward the floor as though he were carrying a heavy burden. The hardened old man, who Jude still believed was a Nazi, seemed to be trying to suppress both his anger and his pain. If she didn't know better she would swear he was on the verge of tears.

"Sister I'd like to deal with the…" Arden chose his words carefully. "_Offender _now, if I may." Jude felt Mary's fingers grip her shoulders tighter when Arthur brought up Leigh.

"You may have him after I deal with him." She said, surprised he'd asked her permission instead of simply acting on impulse.

"No Sister, please, don't leave me." Mary whispered, gripping onto her tighter. Jude sighed.

"A woman in your condition shouldn't beat a man sister." Arden said almost kindly. "Let me deal with him."

Jude knew he was right, but felt the need to exact her own revenge on the monster who'd taken Mary's innocence. Like Arden, Jude had long treasured Mary's purity because her own had been ripped away so long ago. Somehow revenge for Mary felt like revenge for her too…at least in the moment.

"Let me see him." She said. "And after that he's yars Dr. Arden…to castrate and frankly, do with what you'd like."

"Of course Sister." Arthur smiled at the thought.

…..

Jude and Mary Eunice fled under the cover of night with nothing but their few belongings, their meager pensions from the church and Jude's car. Neither was sure where they would sleep that night; let alone where they'd be in eight months time when Jude's baby was scheduled to arrive.

Jude started the car, hoping the engine would warm up quickly. Mary shivered, burring her face in the blanket she'd wrapped around herself. She couldn't bear to look at Briarcliff; even for one final time, nor could she stand to look at the snow: she found that somehow it reminded her too much of her ordeal. Jude, however couldn't help but stare back up at the old asylum before driving away forever….it was a place of misery for most but it had been her home, the place where she'd achieved something…and shared a dream with a man she loved…it was all for not now…well, almost.

"It's okay sweet baby." Jude whispered, pressing her hand against her abdomen. "Mommy's got you, she doesn't know how, but we're going ta be okay."

It was just as Jude finally put the car in gear and began to drive down the property's old gravel road that Leigh Emerson was beginning to understand what the extent of his suffering was going to be.

"Please doc, just a little something urrrrg for the pain." He winced.

He lay strapped to a table in Arden's lab where he'd been for several hours, and was in agony. He had expected this to be over with a lot sooner. At this point, he would welcome death. But Arthur had decided he wanted to make this anything but quick. It was his fun after all, and his vengeance for Mary Eunice and her innocence. He was going to take his sweet time. In fact he'd decided not to kill the famed murderer. Instead he'd make it slow and unbelievably painful. Better yet he'd learn something from it.

"Something for the pain?" He laughed. "After what you've put your victims through. I think not."

Arden walked away, remaining silent for a few moments before beginning to rummage for something just out of Leigh's view. He did it this way intentionally, you see, just to induce more fear in his subject. The more fear, the happier Arden was.

"No after all the harm you've inflicted Mr. Emerson, you're going to do something for the greater good." He said, stuffing a gag in the murderer's mouth without any warning.

Leigh's eyes widened when Arden stepped away again and he heard the noise of a chainsaw begin to start up.

"No, no, no!" He began to protest, his screams muffled through the gag Arden approached him, chainsaw in hand.

"I hope you like the woods, Mr. Emerson."

…..

November 1969

Everyone was happy that Monday morning came very quickly. The adults hoped to put the awkwardness and pain of Sunday behind them, but in her heart of heart's Olivia didn't think she'd ever be able to let it go. She'd missed the opportunity to see her Daddy and was devastated even though she'd been warned he probably wouldn't want to see her at all.

Olivia blamed herself for what had happened and Jude was mortified. She'd been worried it would turn out this way and struggled to comfort her deeply heartsick kindergartener. Mary and Mark were of no help that day, they left the hotel early to get to their art exhibit, leaving Jude and a very depressed Olivia all alone.

"Mommy is sorry yar so upset. She's hurt too." Jude soothed, watching as her daughter picked at the piece of cake she'd allowed her to have for breakfast.

Having been in a similar position as a child, Jude didn't really know how to make her little girl feel better about having been abandoned by her Father, but unlike her own Mother, she tried hard to do so, everyday, feeling that any reassurance she'd have to give was important to her development. Jude looked at Olivia and saw more than ever that her own Father's leaving her didn't make her bad, worthless, unlovable, or any of the other awful things she'd always thought it did.

"Mommy promises we're going ta do some fun and special things taday, okay sweetheart?"

Olivia said nothing to her Mother, and instead, continued playing with the cake, moving it around on the plate. Suddenly there was a knock on the door. Jude kissed Olivia's forehead and left her in the bedroom they were sharing to go and answer it.

She didn't think twice and opened the door without hesitation; expecting it would be Mary Eunice, or room service with the large cup of coffee she'd ordered last minute. She flung the door open, her eyes widening in shock when she realized she was face to face with none other than Timothy. Both of them panicked, their hearts beginning to pound when they made eye contact. Jude was floored to see him, and Timothy was terrified he'd be turned away.

The two stood there for a moment, staring back at each other, studying what the other had become. No words were exchanged but plenty was said. Each saw deep pain and regret in the other's eyes, but whether or not they would both be able to recognize that was quite another story.

"W-what are ya doing here? Timothy, you need ta leave." She gulped, looking around the corner to see if Olivia had noticed what was going on.

She really thought it was for the best that he leave; she didn't want to see Olivia get more hurt than she already was. Like she always said; there was only so much a Mother's love could fix.

Timothy looked down, swallowing nervously as he placed his hands in his pockets. She crossed her arms, leaning against the doorway.

"Jude I…I saw you at the church yesterday. " He spoke softly. She sensed a pleading tone in his voice and even in the way he stood. He seemed weak and intimidated somehow, and she found it perplexing to say the least.

"Why are ya here Timothy?"

"I-I want to see our child Jude." He plead. "Please I-I know I gave up that right a long time ago but, I must see her."

Jude paused, biting her lip, wondering how she'd feel if her own Father ever came back and her Mother turned him away. Such an event would've met healing for a young, broken hearted Jude who needed her Father very much. It was then that Jude changed her mind.

"Olivia!" Jude called after a moment of pause. "Ya have a visitor."


	9. Flesh and Blood, Part 2

Ch 9- Flesh and Blood, Part 2

November 1969

"Well look at you." Timothy said slowly, sinking onto his knees as Olivia walked into the room. Jude sensed he seemed almost dumbstruck. Olivia did as well.

"Hi." Olivia said shyly, her eyes growing wide. She remembered who he was instantly.

"Olivia." Timothy smiled, his heart pounding. She was surprised; he knew her name?

"Livie, this is yar Fathah." Jude introduced reluctantly, not realizing she didn't have to, Olivia already knew.

"Hello Olivia, it's- it's so wonderful to meet you."

"Hi Daddy." She said hesitantly, the lump in her stomach fading a little when she saw Timothy smile back at her.

Timothy was taken aback by the child's features at first. She looked so much like him save hints of Jude that even at first glance, seemed to dot the child's expression as well as her very essence. Her whole being made Timothy almost shudder inside, she was, in both flesh and spirit an unequivocal reminder of everything he'd thrown away.

Jude drew a breath, the moment bittersweet for her. She was over him, herself, or at least she told herself she had to be, but with Olivia it was different. She remembered what it was like as a little girl, to want a Father so much, and more than anything; she thought she resented her daughter having to repeat the pattern.

"Do you know why I am here?" He asked. Olivia shook her head.

"No."

"I'm here to spend the day with you."

"Ya are?!"

"Ya are?" Jude asked. It wasn't what he had told her when he walked in. She was not sure she approved but didn't know how she could say no now.

"Yes." He said. "Just me and Olivia and Mommy of course."

Jude's heart sunk when she saw Olivia's smile brighten in that moment. Timothy reached down and lifted Olivia into his arms, making her equal height with her parents. Olivia loved the feeling of being in his arms instantly and was just in awe.

'My Daddy loves me after all! They were all wrong, I knew it!' Olivia thought to herself, staring up into his eyes, eyes she shared.

Olivia was overwhelmed by being held by him. When Mommy held her she always got the sense that she was too heavy and she was trying hard not to drop her, but with Daddy it was different, his arms were strong and secure and she felt like he could hold up the whole world with them.

"Yes Daddy, I want to spend the day with you!"

"It would be Daddy's privilege Livie."

Timothy was also overwhelmed, he felt something powerful surge through him when he picked her up. He could only describe it as what he'd heard other men say about holding new babies for the first time: like some awesome responsibility had been bestowed upon him, but it didn't matter because he was simply in love in an instant.

He smiled, lifting Olivia up high she giggled wildly and he kissed her forehead. Jude never would've expected that he would be so good with children and that after all this time, he'd take to Olivia so kindly like this. Jude said nothing as she listened to her ex-boyfriend talk to their daughter and over a few moments her heart began to ache.

…..

Timothy had no qualms about being seen all over New York with Jude, and a child that looked just like the both of them. If asked, he decided he'd simply say they were his niece and sister-in-law. Jude felt uneasy leaving the hotel with him and felt completely the part of a third wheel. Olivia was extremely excited to be placed atop her Father's shoulders, and she laid her chin on his head as they walked down the street. She didn't notice that he attempted to take her Mother's hand as they were crossing a street, but she slapped it away quickly, crossing her arms and staring forward, making it very clear she was only there for Olivia's sake.

They went several places before breakfast, and even in that short span of an hour; Timothy seemed to spoil Olivia.

'It's not gonna make up," she wanted to say, 'far yar not wantin' her."

Jude almost started crying when she realized that Timothy spoiling Olivia was really no different than the way he'd treated her when they were together and after a while she felt like she was watching one of their dates…Timothy could be very sweet and generous but his giving nature always cycled back to his selfishness, feeding into it in such away that Jude had come to believe most of the things he did for others he was actually doing for himself. In Olivia's case, Jude thought he wanted to ease his guilt, rather than assure their daughter he was finally there for her. She rolled her eyes when he promised ice cream for breakfast and the three made their way to a small diner a few blocks from the edge of the park.

"So Olivia?" He asked as they sat down, the child's eyes growing wide as a huge bowl of ice cream was placed in front of her. "Do ya go to school?"

"Kindergarten." She said, holding up five fingers, not to indicate her grade but the fact that she was five-years-old and very proud of it.

"What kind of school?"

"Huh?" Olivia asked.

"Catholic School." Jude interjected simply.

"Nuns are mean!" Olivia cried, pausing for a second. Timothy looked back at Jude in amusement; assuming that Olivia didn't know she'd been a nun and that he was a priest. "And Daddy, you're a priest, but shu!" She cried, placing her finger in front of her face. "I'm not supposed ta say that!"

Timothy looked back at Jude in surprise. "You told her I was a priest…"

"Yes well, it seemed ta be a good way ta explain why ya weren't around."

"Yes well…" Timothy was growing increasingly uncomfortable by the moment.

"My teacher's mean." She uttered as she dug into the ice cream.

"I'm sure she means well, she…" Timothy asserted.

"Olivia is right Timothy…she is mean." Timothy looked up alarmed when Jude, who had been a very mean nun herself, said this. "She um…"

"She's mad at me about my project." Olivia stated, looking at her spoon very carefully, almost seeming to be more focused on it than on their conversation.

"What project?" Timothy inquired.

"Olivia um…" Jude warned.

She didn't want Olivia to tell Timothy about the Father's project. Even if he was willing to help her, she didn't want him to, and besides, what would they say about him? The last thing they could write was the truth.

"Cause I can't finish it."

"Honey, why can't you…"

"And that's why she pulled my hair."

"WHAT?!" Timothy and Jude shouted at once, both looked at each other in surprise, neither believing that they'd reacted to their daughter's words with the same intense rage, but both quickly forgot and turned back to her.

"Honey what happened, why didn't you tell me!" Jude was livid.

"Um…" Olivia was nervous now and stared back at her parents as they awaited her answer. Olivia looked up at the Father she just met, seeing that he was clearly angry.

"Are you mad at me?"

"No honey we…" Jude stopped herself, refusing to answer for the both of them collectively. "Honey what happened?"

"I couldn't finish the project and I told her it was impossible and pulled my pigtail! She pulled it hard!"

Jude was devastated and felt her heart sink into her stomach, Timothy could feel his doing the same and watched intently as a pain flooded over his ex-girlfriend's eyes. He could barely stand to see that all-familiar look of grief overtake her and turned away momentarily.

"Olivia. I don't know what this is about." Timothy told his daughter. "But Daddy promises you, he will make it right."

"Sure ya will Timothy, sure ya will. After all, yar so good at taking care of things." Jude quipped, collecting Olivia, who was now finished with her ice cream, in her arms and leaving him sitting alone at the table.

...

Eight And A Half Hours Later

Timothy caught up to Jude and Olivia outside of the restaurant; surprised she hadn't walked away without him. They spent the rest of the day together and all of the evening, eventually tucking Olivia into bed at almost nine o'clock. Olivia was overjoyed and had always imagined what bedtime might be like with both of her parents there to tuck her in. she did not sense the awkwardness or discord between them, only that they were there and she could clearly see how she was part of them. She loved it, she marveled at it…and for once in her life, it made her feel like she really belonged somewhere. After tucking her in, Timothy and Jude retired to the living room of the suite together, Jude hoped he would leave immediately and instead he began to talk.

"She's a lovely little girl Jude, you've done a wonderful job." He said.

"I know she is Timothy."

"Please…before I leave, can we have a drink together?"

"Ya know I don't drink."

"No, you don't, but every now and then, you would have a drop of champagne with me."

"Only on certain nights, Timothy." She emphasized. She only drank with him if they were going to have sex.

"Alright, desert then, we'll order up desert!" He offered enthusiastically.

"Timothy I…"

"Please Jude, shall I order up that chocolate thing you used to like? We need to talk."

"Okay." She smiled softly, putting her head down as she sat on the edge of the couch. "Timothy what's this all about?" She asked when he got off the phone.

"There's a lot for us to talk about Jude. I think you know that." She nodded, admitting this. "First of all I need to just say how incredibly perfect she is. I look at her and do you know what I see Jude? Us. I see us."

"I know." She said quietly, she'd been the one looking at Olivia every day for the last five years after all.

"Speaking of which, that's something else we must discuss."

"What?"

"Us."

"Timothy I…" Jude was kind of shocked he'd even bring this up, especially with how cold he'd been all day.

He got up when there was a knock on the door and went to answer it. The waiter came in with a whole cart full of deserts, leaving behind a full chocolate cake, several plates, two glasses and of course a bottle of champagne. Timothy opened the bottle and poured two glasses upon the waiter's departure, and Jude shot him a disapproving look.

"You never know Jude, you might like a taste." He offered. She hadn't been really listening when he'd ordered desert. "And all the rest of this cake is for Olivia and Mary Eunice, I figured that when…"

"Timothy let's just talk alright, the real business, not the chit-chat."

"Very well." He said, sitting down with his glass of champagne and handing her, her cake. He took put the champagne down on the coffee table and took a deep breath, his demeanor changed, his head suddenly in his hands.

"Jude I don't really know where to begin. I suppose I'll start with today. Thank you, so much for letting me see our daughter Jude. I know I didn't deserve that. I can't tell you how much I loved every moment of today, of getting to be her Father I couldn't believe how she embraced me, it…it blew me away."

"She's five-years-old she wants her Father very much." Jude said sadly. "I know exactly how she feels because I wanted the same thing back then."

"Oh Jude…"

"Save me your pity Timothy, you're the one whose made us repeat that vicious little cycle, and it was the last thing on earth I wanted far my little girl. Do you have any idea how much little girls need their fathers, and why?" Timothy put his head down. "Right now she just wants ya and wants ta know ya, but one day, when she's almost grown but not quite, the fact that yar not there ta love her and that ya don't love her will make her feel so inadequate that she'll go lookin' far love and approval from men in all the wrong places. That's what happened ta me…I'm going ta do my best ta stop it, but what can one Mommy do?" She asked sadly. "As far as I'm concerned, that's on yar hands Timothy, not mine."

"Jude I don't want that either." Timothy said sadly.

"Oh?"

"No. Of course not…"

"Well then what are ya…"

"We'll come back to our discussion of Olivia." He said.

"We'll come back to it?"

"Yes. The next few minutes are about us. Because things didn't end well and there are things I need to say." Jude folded her arms, and stared back at him questioningly.

"Jude I…" He swallowed. "You don't ever leave my mind Jude. I think about you all the time." He said sadly. "I love you, and I never ever stopped loving you. You are still, in my mind, my right hand, my rare bird and the love of my life." He took her hand and kissed it, holding it tightly in his own for a moment.

"Timothy I love you too. Very much." She admitted, noticing such relief in his eyes when she said she loved him back. "But Timothy I'm not the love of yar life, yar job is. If I were you would be a Father to our daughter and ya would've been all this time."

"Jude about Olivia, she's a perfect child and I love her too. How could I not?"

"If ya love her, then come home with us." She could barely believe she'd said this; that she'd just offered him this chance of redemption. She wanted to take it back, but somehow it felt like it was the right thing in the moment.

"W-what?" He was shocked.

"If ya love me and Olivia, then come home with us." She challenged.

"Jude you know I can't…"

"Of course! Yar position, how could I have fargotten, Father? Look what ya did ta my position and hers."

"Hers?"

"Why do ya think the nun pulled her hair?"

"What does that have to do with…"

"I went from Nun, ta unwed Mother, and she went from precious baby, ta love child….it was a dream Timothy, yar dream, my dream, face it they both went up in a puff of smoke because ya couldn't make up yar mind about what was really important to ya."

"Jude you know I cannot come home with you."

"Typical."

"What's typical?"

"You: ya always choose title over yar real responsibility Timothy. It's how society sees the family we made now ya know that right? People look at you, they think Cardinal of New York." She said the title in a joking kind of way; as though she were mocking the fact that it was a big deal. "And they see me and they think unwed Mother, or slut and they see my poor little Olivia and think love child, they think bastard."

"Don't call her that!"

"I didn't call her that, you gave her that you make her wear it!"

"Jude I…"

"Ya abandoned me and that baby. You found out I was pregnant with yar child and ya just let me leave! Without any regard ta where we were gonna go, or how we were gonna live or who she was gonna be! Ya threw us away like trash Timothy, and I'd be a fool ta think ya were any different now!"

"A baby wasn't a part of the plan Jude. It was just supposed to be you and me and…."

"And being abandoned wasn't part of mine!"

Jude remembered being excited when she found out she was pregnant. She'd been foolish enough to think, for a few minutes at least, that Timothy would leave the church and marry her. She put her head down, hoping that he didn't notice the tears welling up in her eyes.

"I'd love to be her Father and to be with you, and I'm so proud to be part of her being here in this world, although I have been just a very small, but vital part." He paused. "Jude I can't play Daddy it isn't possible. But I'd like to keep in touch. I can send her letters and presents. And I'd like to provide for Olivia. Anything she wants or needs, I'll send you a check Jude. I have an emissary, where you are, in Boston, one man who knows I have a daughter, he will communicate with you for…"

"Disgusting." She uttered, under her breath, taking the champagne he'd poured for her. He sighed; disappointed she thought this of his plan.

"And I'd like to come back in the morning, and say good-bye before you leave."

"No." Jude said.

"W-why?"

"Timothy what's the point? I'm gonna have ta be the one ta break my little girl's heart and explain ta her that yar not gonna be her Daddy after all, because I can guarantee ya that's what she fell asleep thinkin' that her Daddy was finally here. Ya can come in the morning on the condition that you be the one ta break her heart, but I'd prefer ya just get out of here."

"Jude I…"

"Ya made a baby with me, yar life was supposed ta change far the baby, because it didn't I don't consider ya a Father or a man, just leave."

"Jude it's not fair, she's my child too!"

"Yar child?!" She laughed.

"Yes, she's mine too, I screwed up!"

"Ya think ya can chalk it up ta that Timothy?"

"It's not fair to her for you to throw me away completely Jude."

"Don't ya dare lecture me about throwin' people away!"

"Let me be the Father I _**can**_ be Jude." He was almost gritting his teeth. "I may've done what I did and I'm not proud of it…but I'm here now!" He was livid. "And I'm not your Father!"

"Don't try to tell me about my Father, at least he was there the first three years."

"I wasn't there the first three, or even the first five, but unlike your Father, I want to be there for the rest of my life! And while I can't be there for her everyday _AT LEAST _have the decency to allow me to have a day with her every so often… to send her presents, to tell her I love her." He swallowed, a tear rushing down his cheek. "Wouldn't it have made a difference in your life Jude…if your Father had done even that? I do love her…and I love you, damn it Jude! Now that we've met, I'm not staying away from her." He was furious and narrowed his eyes at her.

"You don't love me." She laughed, shaking her head.

"Oh, but I do. Just because I chose something over being with you doesn't mean that my feelings for you ever stopped, or that I ever stopped thinking about that gorgeous body…or waking up longing to have you there, or," He put his head down, beginning to sniffle. "Or just dying for your company, just because there was no one else I'd rather have by my side but you because you are you and I love everything about you."

"The fact is I know that ya wanted me; that ya love me, but ya chose work over our daughter and that sickens me Timothy. I was yar lover…and I never doubted your feelings far me. I still don't. But she was yar child. What kind of a man could abandon his little unborn baby? And let her pregnant Mother leave in the snow with nothing."

"I've thought about Olivia everyday as well. You see I've known for a long time that she was a little girl and that her name is Olivia. I've never known where to find you, and I've looked, I have kept you both in my personal prayers."

"I was nothin' to ya after ya got me pregnant, trash maybe, and Olivia somethin' ta hide."

"No, Jude…"

"Yes Timothy, look at what you've done."

"But I never thought of it that way…"

"Get out." She said, opening the door.

"Jude I…" He was stunned but got up and went over to the door. She was sobbing by this point and he stood by the open door staring at her.

"What are ya waitin' far? Just leave, get out! Yar good at that!" She cried, pushing him back past the doorframe.

Timothy couldn't take it anymore and he pushed her back in, slamming the door shut with his foot and beginning to kiss her. Jude cried as she tilted her head, unable to break away from his grasp. She returned his kiss almost hungrily as she cried and wrapped her arms around him holding him close.

"Oh Timothy I don't want ya ta go." She admitted quietly, looking up into his eyes and noting they were also filled with tears.

"I love you Jude, I'm so sorry it turned out this way, I know I said…but I never met..." He held her tightly, weaving his fingers through her hair as he continued to cry. "Please. Please believe me, I love you with everything I am and I didn't want it to be like this!"

"Oh Timothy." She whispered, tears flowing down her cheeks as she clung to him. "Ya could never understand the love I have for ya."

Timothy and Jude stood there, simply hugging as they wept. She leaned her head against his chest and he bent down to kiss the back of her head and neck, just holding her as they cried, neither one of them willing to be the one to say goodbye first.


	10. Reeled Back In

Ch 10- Reeled Back In

December 2, 1969

"When's he coming?" Olivia asked excitedly. She sat at the breakfast table, her tiny feet swinging as they dangled high above the floor.

"Hmmm?" Jude asked remaining focused on the waffles she was preparing.

"When's my Daddy coming, he said he would come!" Olivia reminded.

Jude sighed. She had told Timothy that she would only allow him to say goodbye to Olivia if he would be the one to break the news to her that he wasn't going to be a regular part of her life. Instead, he'd visited her the next morning, promising that he would come to Boston soon, at Christmas time, and take her ice-skating. Jude almost cried when he promised this and she saw her daughter's eyes light up, because she knew there was no way he'd follow through with it: he was going to break her little heart.

Jude stared back at her little daughter, silent for a moment. She resented being so crushed by this burden: it pained her more than she could convey. Of course all of this was further complicated by what had transpired between her and Timothy after they had put Olivia to bed that night.

They fought, then they'd cried and then they'd kissed….passionately. Very passionately. Just as Jude had been in the process of kicking him out of her hotel room they'd begun to kiss. Upon recollection, Jude couldn't tell you how it happened or who initiated it. She could only say how she felt…. how he felt after so long and that she'd been drawn in by something almost otherworldly and so had he.

The two relished each other, focusing only on their kiss, which became intense very, very quickly and by the time they reached the couch, had turned to something more than just kissing. He'd slept there that night…and whatever it was that had happened, Jude was confused by it. She was afraid she was being pulled back in by his charms, and his manipulation. Jude still loved him; but she knew she could not go back with him for anything because she couldn't trust him and moreover, she couldn't trust herself when he was part of her life. After all, he was toxic for her.

"Honey I know he said he'd come. But Mommy doesn't know if he really is." Jude admitted.

"He will, I know he will! I promise, Mommy!" She defended.

Her daughter's firm defense of Timothy jarred her deeply, making her realize she wasn't just worried about his returning for Olivia's sake, but for her own as well.

…

School was just beginning to wind down for the holiday season, meaning that the semester was coming to a close and Olivia's project about her Dad was due very soon. Although she had met and even spent time with him now she didn't have a way to answer any of the questions the project asked. Because she'd done nothing for the project, Olivia was being kept indoors during all her recesses. This one was no exception. The little girl sat in the reading corner looking up at all the questions the teacher had written on the chalkboard. She could not read them but remembered what they were:

_1\. What does your Father do for a living?_ Olivia knew the answer to that, but knew she couldn't say it. She wondered if she should make something up.

_2\. What does he like to do in his free time?_ Olivia also didn't know the answer to this, he had told her he worked all the time.

_3\. What do you and your Father like to do together?_ This question saddened Olivia. She didn't know what they would like to do together, as she'd only had, the one day with him. She thought, though, that the answer might be going out for ice cream.

_4\. Name a time your Father did something nice for you._ Olivia was old enough to know she couldn't very well say that agreeing to meet her was the nicest thing he'd done for her…even though it was just about the only thing he'd done…

_5\. I love my Father because_….Olivia did not like to think about this one. Even though they'd had a connection; this one pained her. She didn't know if he loved her. Not really.

"You will not move from that spot." Her teacher reminded. "Until you answer those questions."

Olivia sighed, staring back at the questions. She held two crayons in her hand, just incase she thought of any answers but was not allowed to color, only write. Olivia was too young to realize that her teacher was merely being cruel, after all, Olivia didn't really know how to write much and was so upset over the pressure being thrust upon her that she'd forgotten that, and wouldn't fully realize it until she went to go and write. Olivia looked up at the board. There were at least two more questions and she didn't know how she'd ever answer them, but knew she had to, she couldn't stomach the thought of never going to recess again and she missed her friends.

"Olivia." She heard a gentle voice call from the doorway.

Olivia turned around with wide eyes when she saw her Father enter the room. He stood there, in the doorway of her classroom, dressed in his priest's jacket and collar.

"Daddy!" She squealed, throwing down her crayons and running to him with open arms. This was only the second time she'd ever met him but she couldn't help but feel right at home in his arms.

Timothy gave a halfhearted smile as he got on his knees and embraced the child. The Nun who was her teacher watched in horror. Timothy closed his eyes and kissed his daughter's cheek, lifting her into his arms.

"How is my girl?" He asked her. "I understand we have a problem here."

The Nun laughed nervously. "Are you by any chance, Cardinal Howard?" She inquired.

"Yes, and I understand you and Olivia have a problem."

"She pulled my pigtail Daddy." Olivia confided, feeling powerful in her place in her Father's arms.

"Daddy?" The Nun asked.

"Yes, Sister Elizabeth, Olivia is my child and you will not treat her this way."

Sister Elizabeth, who'd been the school's kindergarten teacher for 30 years, had never confronted a parent like this, much less one who was somehow a cardinal, and had no idea what to say. Like many members of the clergy in Boston she knew of the affair between the now Cardinal and the disgraced Sister Jude, and believed that Olivia was a product of that relationship: that said, she never would've believed the Cardinal would claim the child and was stunned it seemed to be happening.

"Daddy when she pulled it, it hurted a lot." Olivia pouted. Timothy looked back at his little girl, surprised.

"Sister, why on earth would you pull a five-year-old's pigtail like that?" He asked, cupping the side of his daughter's head in his hand protectively, without even realizing he was doing it at first.

Timothy was surprised to feel this surge of paternal protection run through him when Olivia said this, he'd never experienced it before and he'd never expected it would happen. But he supposed that that's why he was there: because he hated the notion that anyone was being cruel to his daughter. Olivia felt comforted and lay her head against her Father's shoulder.

"Cardinal Howard, I'm sure that we…"

"Look, I understand that corporal punishment is still in use at some of these schools, but…hair-pulling is not a smack on the wrist, Sister."

"Daddy she pulled hard." Olivia whined.

"Cardinal's aren't supposed to have daughters, especially with nuns."

"Huh?" Olivia asked.

"Yes, Olivia is my child with Sister Jude." He admitted.

"My Mommy's a Mommy not a Sister!" Olivia was immediately confused.

"Olivia…Daddy will explain later."

…

Olivia was kind of intimidated when her Dad pulled her from school and placed her on top of his shoulders. She worried that Mommy and Mary Eunice would be worried about her when they came to pick her up and she wasn't there, but she was so excited to be with her Father that she didn't even think to ask about her Mother and sister, or to question whether or not he should have her at all. The school hadn't even questioned it, but had let him take her because he was a cardinal and because the child's physical similarities to him were striking: unbeknownst to Olivia, he'd told them that she was his brother's child.

"Daddy where are we going?" She asked resting her chin on top of his head.

"Anywhere you like. But first, we will go for some ice cream and then you and I will have a little talk."

"About what?"

"About why I haven't been a part of your life until now Olivia."

"Daddy I wanna know, I wanna know!"

"All in good time my love." He laughed.

"I'm your love?"

"My little love yes."

Timothy got them ice cream, keeping the girl on top of his shoulders and walked to the park, finally sitting her down on a bench next to him. She smiled brightly, looking up at him, seeming to pay attention to nothing else.

"Olivia." He said. "It's time for us to talk. You know that I am a Cardinal, correct?" She nodded. "And you understand that I'm not supposed to be anyone's Father or husband or even boyfriend, you understand that too?" Olivia nodded at this too as she continued eating.

Timothy paused, deciding he wanted to tell her this story so that Jude wouldn't have the pain and shame of doing it. He wanted her to like him and he didn't think that this would get him bonus points.

"Well that's why I'm not in you life, like I should be."

"Daddy I know that."

"Well Olivia, there's more. Obviously, in order to become your Father, I would have to have broken my promise to the church, wouldn't I?"

"Ya mean ta be my Mommy's boyfriend?"

"Y-yes." He was surprised she knew this and wondered how much else she knew. "But there's more Olivia. What your teacher said about Mommy earlier was true…to an extent. Before you were born, Mommy was a Sister, a Nun." Olivia's eyes widened in surprise at this. Why had Mommy kept that part from her?

"M-Mommy was a…"

"I was a Priest, and she a Nun and we, we fell in love, Olivia. It was wrong but we couldn't help it. And I loved your Mother deeply, for a very long time…"

"Why isn't she a Nun now?"

"She left the church because she was having you."

"Why didn't you?" Olivia was upset. Timothy sighed.

"One cold night, just before Christmas, almost exactly six years ago, your Mother and I got together for our usual Friday night dinner, most times she would cook for me, sometimes I would cook for her. That night, we had news for each other. Mine was that I'd gotten my wish and was going to be Cardinal, hers was that someone new was going to come into our lives: that someone was you, Olivia. Your Mother and I went our separate ways that night. I went on to be Cardinal. She became your wonderful Mother…that's my fault Olivia, Daddy made a choice and it wasn't you." Olivia looked down, a huge tear pouring down her cheek and she began to sniffle.

"So it's true. You didn't want me!"

"No. No, Olivia I…I did not." He explained carefully. "And it was the worst decision I ever made in the whole of my life. It was a mistake to not want you. I love you my child, and your sainted Mother, more than I could ever possibly have imagined. I would love more than anything, to be your Father now."

"You can come and live with me and Mommy and Mary." Olivia forgave him seeing big tears in his eyes as well.

"Sweetheart, it's not so simple. You see Mommy won't take Daddy back no matter what he does. And she doesn't have to. The best I get now is days like these where I will come up here and spend the day with you."

"But that's not fair."

"No it's not. But never forget, Daddy was the one who wasn't fair. Not Mommy."

"Why do you want me now?"

"Because I know I always should have Olivia. My child you mean more than the world to me." He explained. "And so, he'll do his very best, from now on, to keep his promises to you."

"Mommy said you wouldn't."

"Mommy has every right to believe I won't. But I will. Just for you." Secretly, Timothy wanted to prove this to Jude as well.

"Daddy I still love you." She admitted quietly.

"I love you too Livie. Come on, Daddy will go play with you if you still want to, and then we'll go and get a new toy."

"I don't want a toy Daddy I just want you." She cried.

"I know, but a present you will get, nonetheless. There have not been enough of those, not from me."

…

Jude was frantic and nervous now and flung the door open when someone knocked, hoping against all hope that it would be Olivia, safe. She was floored to see Timothy and quickly looked up, seeing her daughter on top of his shoulders.

"Oh!" She sobbed, reaching up for her little girl.

"Hi Mommy!"

"Oh my little love, there ya are!" She cried, taking Olivia in her arms and holding her close. She cried as she held the girl tight. "Yar okay. Yar okay. Mommy was so worried. Who's ya friend there?" She asked, trying to hide the fact that she'd been crying.

"She's the doll Daddy got me, see."

"Oh I see. Honey." She kissed her daughter's cheek several times more. "Mary Eunice and I have been worried sick, go tell her that yar home, show her yar new friend and wash up far dinner, alright?"

"Okay. Bye Daddy." Olivia waived.

"Bye sweetheart." He smiled kindly, watching as she disappeared back into the hallway.

"Timothy!" Jude yelled. "I can't believe ya took her from school without telling me! I was worried sick and scared ta death! What in the hell were ya thinking!" She was crying as she started slapping him.

Even though the school had told her that Olivia's _Uncle_, Cardinal Howard, had taken her for the day, she'd been worried sick and even called the police. Timothy; after all, was not supposed to have her.

"I-I'm sorry Jude. I wanted to see her…I wasn't thinking. Her teacher wasn't exactly being agreeable, or very nice to her at all and I wanted to spend some time with her and take her out of that environment….Jude, I came up to take care of her little school problem that you called me about."

"Y-ya did?" Jude was surprised, her demeanor changing suddenly.

"Yes. I did. She won't be bothering our little girl anymore Jude."

"Thank ya Timothy." She said sincerely. Jude had to admit she couldn't have done this. "I-I'm touched that ya did that. I coulda handled it ya didn't have ta."

"Yes, yes I did Jude."

The two stood in silence for a few moments; Jude folded her arms and blushed looking downcast toward the ground. She almost didn't want to look at him for a moment, the last time she'd seen him they'd made love, or rather had passionate unprotected sex on a hotel room floor only feet away from their sleeping five year old. It was a new low for the two of them and neither of them wanted to discuss it. Even so, both blushed at the thought and took joy in it, at least somewhere deep inside.

"Woulda….would ya like ta come inside far a bit….I have dinner in the oven…its not much but…"

"I'd love to." His heart leapt; surprised that she would offer him this kindness. "I-I'd love to see where my child is living." He gave an excuse.

That was only part of it. In reality, he missed the love and warmth of Jude's home and since he'd left her he'd never felt whole without it.

"Now since when do ya think ya have some parental rights?" She asked, teasing him a little as she led him into the kitchen.

Timothy ignored her little jab and took a deep breath, relishing the scent of her cooking and the ambiance of the home she made. It was just as he remembered, if not better because it was her apartment, not her quarters within Briarcliff. This place was truly live. It was beautifully decorated, the walls were a warm butter yellow, and the rugs a modern black and white striped. There was a fire in the hearth and everywhere he turned, he found that the walls were covered in artwork, most of it was obviously drawings his daughter had made, and the rest of it, was obviously done by a more highly skilled artist.

"Did you paint these?" he asked, looking around the living room as he followed her into the kitchen.

"No." She laughed. "That's all Mary Eunice. "I have some very highly skilled girls; don't I Timothy?" She laughed.

"Yes, yes it would seem that you do." He laughed.

"Would ya like some bread, befare we eat?"

"Yes, yes thank you."

"Mommy, Mommy I wanna tell you both about my day!" She squealed, pulling Mary Eunice into the room behind her. "Daddy you're here!"

"That's right Olivia he's going to stay for dinner." Jude announced.

Mary Eunice's eyes widened in horror at her adoptive Mother's words, he was staying for dinner? What was she thinking?! Her heart sunk, seeming to crash into her gut at the mere thought, and she felt like she was about to be sick. Mary sighed, deciding that when it was all over she'd be there to pick up the pieces just as she had before.

…..

"Good night our sweetheart." Jude whispered. She kissed Olivia's cheek as Timothy pulled the covers up to her shoulders. Olivia was almost totally asleep and barely stirred at the sound of her Mother's words.

"Good night princess. Daddy will see you tomorrow."

Olivia said nothing and allowed her head to settle deeper into her pillow as she drifted off to sleep. Timothy and Jude leaned down to kiss her at the same time their heads bumping together roughly.

"Ow!" They cried.

The two looked back at each other pausing for a moment just as they were eye to eye. It took mere seconds for both to feel like they were trapped in each other's orbit and about to be sucked in all over again. Jude quickly looked away, breaking their eye lock, determined to not be taken in by him again, and more than anything, to not repeat the fling she'd had with him a few weeks before.

"So um…" She began, biting her lip as she shut Olivia's door behind her and they stepped into the hallway. "Ya said you'd see her tomorrow?"

"Yes I…I'm staying in town a couple of days to see her and attend to some other matters…I hope it's alright if…"

"Yes, yes of course. She um…she knows ya now it… it' s just kinda funny, after all this time, are ya suddenly jockeying far Father of the year?" Jude was uncomfortable and crossed her arms over herself almost protectively as she asked this question.

"Jude I…I know I'm late but…I want to take some responsibility for our child. In anyway I can. I told you this and I met it. She deserves a better Daddy than me, but I love her. She's perfect. She makes me feel so tremendously happy, and so guilty…I look at her and I see our love."

Timothy smiled, his eyes downcast as he fought back tears, a few managing to escape and roll down his cheeks. This didn't go unnoticed on Jude's part and made her want to cry too, but she chose to ignore his emotion on the subject and her own as well.

"Jude…" He felt he could say it now that they were alone. He had to say it, no matter what the cost. "You're the best thing that ever happened to me and I threw you away. I know I can't make up for that. But let me try."

"Ya could never do anything ta make up far what you did." She reminded, her tone growing angrier by the syllable.

"No, perhaps not." He agreed. "But what's past is past. And like I said before I want, with everything I am, to be the Father I can be for her."

"Ya know." She reminded. "I told ya not ta contact us…and here ya are."

"And here I am to stay." He smiled, walking a couple of steps toward her.

His approach physically trapped her, and Jude found herself pressed back first against the wall. Her heart began to pound, and part of her went on high alert, trying to signal to the rest of her that this is how it used to feel, how _he _was when _he _was controlling: he completely disarmed her. He cornered her.

"S-stay?" She stammered, her hands searching for the wall its self.

"To stay." He reaffirmed, looking down into her big brown eyes. "To be a Father and a friend and whatever you need me to be."

Jude didn't realize that the controlling aspect wasn't one-sided; Timothy also felt entranced by her, somehow coerced to do things he would otherwise never do, and always had. There'd been times when he'd wondered if she could make him do, or say anything.

"I-I don't need ya ta be." She swallowed nervously, trying to stay strong as his eyes drilled into her own.

"Oh you do, yes you do." He whispered, nuzzling her, rubbing the side of his nose against hers lovingly.

"No, no I don't I…"

Very suddenly, the two found themselves in a lip lock, the tender caress of his lips and his breath against her, own, making her weak in the knees almost instantaneously. Like before, neither knew who started the kiss first, but both assumed it was the other. Jude opened her mouth and tilted her head, wrapping her arms, and then her legs around him, jumping into his arms. Neither realized the other was crying as they kissed. Timothy carried her down the mostly dark hall to her bedroom and shut the door behind him, sitting her on the edge of her bed. He got on his knees in front of her, holding her tear stained face in his hands as they kissed, neither could pull away from the other long enough to catch their breath.

"Oh Jude." He whispered, barely moving from her embrace. "I love you with all the depth and breath the heart and soul could amass. I'm so sorry for what I did; you have no idea. Oh Jude just to hold you again…. it's like each second is an eternity made just for you and me."

She took a deep breath again and pulled him back in to kiss her.

"Oh Timothy please…please I'm so sorry I told ya ta go. Please….please don't ever leave me again." She begged, reaching under his shirt and running her fingers up and down his chest. They broke their kiss just for a moment while he ripped his shirt off and threw it to the floor.

"Ahhhh!" Jude squealed excited as he climbed on top of her, pushing her back into the bed and beginning to kiss her more aggressively, trailing down from her face to her neck and finally the top of her semi-exposed chest and cleavage.

"Oh Jude, I'm here for you; I'm here to stay."

…..

"Urrg." Jude groaned, waking up early the next morning to the sound of the ringing phone. "What time is it?" She inquired, reaching out for the clock as she surfaced from the covers. _5:54 am_ it read. "Um ….go away." She mumbled on the third ring.

She was sore and exhausted from the events of the previous night. It had been very physical as well as very emotional evening for the two of them. The speed and intensity of their lovemaking mirrored their inner emotions and fears, and spoke of a marriage of utter desire and desperation to make up for the sins of old: it was fast and almost violent. When they weren't moaning or crying the two were uttering empty, pointless apologies that could never really make up for what had happened between them, but both begged the other for it to mean the world.

"Hello…"She answered on the fourth ring. "David it's five o'clock in the morning." She reminded her boss. "And it's Saturday."

"We were up all night." He said.

"Ummm so was I."

"Something wrong?"

"Olivia um…she's sick, just a temperature." She lied.

"Oh poor kid, tell her I hope she feels better. I just wanted to let you know we've decided on sending the subpoena after all."

"To who?" Why was he calling her at five in the morning to give her this information? She was on leave. Besides that, she had a headache and wanted to go back to sleep.

"Well we need to get started early. I'm sorry to bother you Jude but…we need to find Timothy Howard and we need to find him now. Do you know where to look?" Jude's eyes widened as she looked down at the sleeping man to her right.

"T-T-Ti…"

"Timothy Howard. That's right. You know him right?"

"Y-yes I-I know him." She replied nervously, her eyes remained focused on Timothy, she watched carefully as he smiled and sighed in his sleep.

"W-when do you think you can find him by?"

"I um…I don't know we haven't…we haven't spoken in years…I'll…I'll let you know what I can do."

"What was that?" Timothy mumbled when she hung up the phone, having no clue her conversation had been about him.

"Oh it's nothing sweetheart." She reassured. "Go back to sleep."

"Um…goodnight Jude." He kissed her cheeks sweetly and took her in his arms, almost seeming to roll over on her as he fell back to sleep.

Jude lay there, her eyes wide open. She'd forgotten this was how he sometimes liked to sleep, almost on top of her, as if to overwhelm her. She tried to sleep; but her emotions were too much for her. She was confused and didn't know how she'd get out of this. And then she remembered the pervading emotion of being with Timothy, it was more than love and lust and pain…there was also an overwhelming feeling of being trapped.


End file.
